Michael Cohen, fixer to the stars of birther fantasy and alleged attorney, is looking up at a world of hurt at the hands of Robert Mueller and the United States Attorney for the Southern District of New York (I believe that would be Paul Giamatti).
Wikipedia describes this pain thusly: “under investigation by federal prosecutors into multiple matters, including bank fraud, wire fraud and campaign finance violations, relating in part to payments made to Stormy Daniels.”
They even cite to multiple sources… which is wikipedia code for “Cohen is cooked.”
All of this led to Mr. No Collusion to Tweet over the weekend that he does not see Cohen flipping. Trump seemingly admitting to there being something for Cohen to flip on Trump about.
Trump has faith in his boy, should he? We talked to our resident bookie about this issue and asked a few pointed questions about the issue. Click Read More, take a look, then you’ll want to call up your bookie to get in on this action.
Look, everyone wants to start at the finish line. The odds on Michael Cohen Turning State’s Evidence. But, Life is Like the Super Bowl: You can Gamble on anything. And, so, sure, the odds of Cohen flipping are like 1:3, but, now that you know that, I hope you will stay with me. Because there is much more to this tale.
What Does Cohen Know?
Look, it isn’t enough to simply just have Michael Cohen turn state’s evidence. Lots of guys flip for very little. Oh, you’re charged with two counts of cocaine possession, so you’re going to flip on your dealer to get a plea offer to just one count? I am sure your dealer will be very reasonable about that. No, the important thing is what Cohen knows. What information he can provide to Mueller. Here are the odds our bookie reported back to us on a couple of questions we had.
- Cohen to provide information on payment to Stormy Daniels – EVEN money
- Cohen to provide information on “Back Channel” discussions he had on Trump’s behalf with Russia – 5:1
- Cohen to provide information on rather mundane campaign finance wrongdoings that do not tie into Trump – EVEN
- Cohen to provide information on campaign finance wrongdoings that do tie into Trump – 3:1
- Cohen provides information to Mueller that leads directly to the Impeachment of Donald Trump – 25:1
- Cohen provides information to Mueller that leads directly to multiple Democratic Congressman being OUTRAGED and talking about impeachment of Trump that never leads to any Impeachment proceedings – 1:4
- Cohen physically hands to Mueller the alleged “Pee Tape” – 35:1
- Cohen literally can tell Mueller where a body is buried – 100:1
Trump’s go-to move in any high pressure situation is to panic. Sometimes he does it in the form of a tweet or fifteen. Sometimes he does it in a press conference. And, sometimes he does it by not tweeting, not talking, and going radio silence as he watches FOX News for 3 days straight while also wondering if there is such a thing as too much Taco Bell to eat in a 3 day period (there isn’t). Thus far, things are well for Trump and he tweets and says encouraging things about what a man Cohen is. How long can that possibly last?
- Over/Under on the Number of Days Before Trump Tweets Negativity towards Cohen – 42
- Over/Under on the Number of Tweets Used to Rant about Cohen’s flipping – 2.5
- Over/Under number of Nicknames Trump gives to Cohen When he Flips – 1.5
- Odds that Trump Compares Cohen to Saul Goodman – 7:1
- Odds that Trump says he “NEVER” Trusted Cohen – 2:1
- Odds that Trump says he doesn’t care if he has Attorney – Client Privilege with Cohen because he never told him anything – 4:1
- Odds that Trump reveals that in a privileged conversation with Cohen about the Mueller Investigation, Cohen advised Trump to, quote, TAKE TO THE SEA! – 2:1
- Odds that Trump attempts to Evict Cohen from one of the Apartments Cohen resides in that are located in Trump Tower and winds up getting into a legal lawsuit with Cohen about the process and this lawsuit is heard on The People’s Court – 3:1
Trump Nickname for Cohen when he Flips
- “Contradiction Cohen” – 7:1
- “Dopey Mike” – 5:1
- “No Client Mike” – 8:1
- “Caveat emptor Mike” – 15:1
- “Dead Mike” – 17:1
- “Doglike Mike” – 22:1
- “Prison Mike” – 1:3
Cooley Law School
Much has been made about the Law School that Michael Cohen attended. It is indeed awful. However,
- Cohen to be announced as “Alumni of the Year” on the Day he gets Indicted – EVEN
- Cohen to have a Wing of the Law School Named in his Honor – 3:1
- Cohen to give a speech at Graduation tailored to help Alumni Avoid having their offices raided by the FBI – 5:1
Future Endeavors of Mr. Michael Cohen, ESQ.
When Saul Goodman goes (SPOILER ALERT?) on the run in Breaking Bad, he winds up working at a Cinnabon. It seems pretty safe to say Cohen is headed for new employment. So, where will it be?
- Greeter at Wal-Mart – 2:1
- Co-Host of TV show with Sean Hannity – EVEN
- Auntie Anne Pretzel – 3:1
- Private Investigator Specializing in Marital Affairs – 1:4
Will Trump Pardon Michael Cohen At ANY Point in Time
- Trump Pardons Cohen Too-Soon in an effort to convince Cohen to not flip – 3:1
- Trump Pardons Cohen after a plea to a charge – 2:1
- Trump does not issue a Pardon to Cohen at any point – 5:1
- Trump has a phone call with Sylvester Stallone to discuss whether he should issue a Pardon to Cohen – 6:1
We will update the odds as often as our bookie will speak with us.