Jim Comey Presents Animal Justice – The Tale of the Goose, Assisted by the Moose

With James Comey out of work with the FBI and into the writing game with his latest Amazon Banger: A Higher Loyalty, we decided to extend an invitation to Mr. Comey to come aboard this website and write Reports on cute Animals doing Criminal things. We thought it would be fun and a good use of his time. Spoiler: He hasn’t responded. So, “Jim Comey Presents: Animal Justice” is our imagining of how Comey would handle Animal Criminals. 

Today, we talk about how things are not always as they seem. Or, are they exactly as they seem? As law enforcement, this is a question we face every day. We travel today to Canada and look at the curious, or, not so curious, case of the Goose and the Moose.

Edmonton Fire Rescue Services were called to the city’s southwest Friday morning to help a motorist retrieve a set of car keys … from a goose.

Source: Edmonton Journal

First, the main determination needed to be made by Officers investigating the goose is whether the goose is looking to steal the vehicle, or if he is simply tormenting the subject.

What can a goose do with a set of car keys? Good question. Makes you think initially here that the goose is simply here to play games with Man. In my book, that is unnecessary, clearly, as both man and nature are simply here to survive one another.

Yet, Goose Taunting remains on the rise as seldom do we see the Goose receive appropriate consequences for their actions. Just recently we saw a Goose take this to a higher level of danger, attacking a high school kid on a golf course. This is what happens when you do not handle Goose Taunts in an expeditious manner.

What is the appropriate punishment for Goose Taunting? I would say a probationary term. The Goose does not need incarceration from mere taunts, however, this is a behavior that we need to get control of. Having the Goose supervised in the community allows for the Goose to maintain their current lifestyle, while hopefully allowing for their more malicious tendencies to get under control.

However, in this situation, the worry is that there is something more nefarious afoot:

Normally fish and wildlife officers would deal with such calls but they were unable to assist because they were in the midst of their own call dealing with an errant moose, an Edmonton Fire Rescue Services spokeswoman said.

The man initially called police at 10:54 a.m. in the area of Elwood Drive and 91 Street SW. Crews arrived two minutes later and helped in the man-versus-goose situation.

An errant moose, while certainly more common in the great white north, is likely still uncommon. Any top notch criminal investigator will have their attention piqued at this detail.

Are the Goose and Moose working in tandem?

I don’t know much about the ability of a Goose to drive a vehicle, but, my guess is that most likely they are not very adept in that skill. The Goose will snatch the keys and look to parlay with a Giovanni Ribisi from Gone in Sixty Seconds type who can take the keys off his hands, snatch the vehicle, and make a clean getaway while the owner is still attempting vengeance on the Goose.

That takes a diversion to pull off in most situations. If the services, police or other wildlife officers, are not on scene quickly, it gives more time to the Goose to make that connection happen. That is where our Moose accomplice comes onto the scene to save the day, or, ruin the day, if you liked your vehicle and did not wish it stolen by a Goose.

My guess here? This is an elaborate Grand Theft Auto situation.

However, it is a difficult to prove criminal case. Something that law officials, we hand off to a Prosecuting Attorney on a daily basis. My guess? This Goose needs some time in Prison, as well as the Moose who facilitated the time to make the getaway possible, however, with the scourge of the defense bar actively looking to plea bargain this case, I think an appropriate outcome for the Goose is 30 days incarceration and a prosecutors office hopeful to catch him making a slip while on probation.

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