Our lovely President has been mashing out tweets with alacrity the past couple of days. His topic: A government agency infiltrated his Campaign for President. Now, I am not sure why he is bragging about being investigated, but, I’ve given up on following the intricacies of his legal defense. Just wake me when the jury is impaneled.
Anyway, take a look:
Putting aside the very serious issue of why the hell Lou Dobbs is getting a shout out, our little buddy is upset.
A SPY in the Trump Campaign! What a horror!
Trump, well, he needs someone to step up and solve this for him. It’s not like Bob Mueller is just going to write a memo on it and reveal the source. So, hey, I am offering my services to step in and solve this mystery.
What are my qualifications? Oh, I don’t know, maybe reading a ton of Harlan Coben novels thank you very much. I’m a great detective, ok. Plus, we are trying to suss out a mole and I have seen every episode of 24.
So, first step.
You feed everyone you think might be The Mole a set of information. Then, you see who acts on that information or spreads it around. This person, generally speaking, is your mole. This is the oldest trick in the book for catching a mole. The mole never seems to catch on.
There’s a problem with this scenario and this White House, though. They leak. So, you tell 10 different people 10 different sets of wild info and next thing you know Ronan Farrow is on line asking if you want to comment on 10 different blockbuster stories. Meanwhile, the real mole is picking up on all of these fake stories and feeding them straight back to Mueller (or Obama if you want to run with Trump’s conspiracy – see, we are fair to the MAGA set here).
Second, here’s a little trick I learned from The Wire.
You withhold everyone’s pay-check for a couple of weeks. Yeah. So, you call ’em in and act like you’re going to pay them. And, then, you crack ’em. Sorry you can’t afford any hookers and cocaine this weekend folks, but we are trying to find a Mole here, get over it!
And, when that money runs out, if they come up to you trying to actually get their salary? You can strike them off the list. But, the ones that stay eating, steady rolling…that’s your suspect.
Stringer Bell taught me that one and it never has failed.
Brief interlude on what not to do: start every meeting by asking them flat out, “are you a police?”
“Because they have to say yes!” This is the advice that Rudy Giuliani and Michael Cohen likely gave to Trump. How many times in your life have you bought weed from a dude who dispensed this “knowledge” to you? That’s the kind of legal counsel this man gets.
Third, back to some real moves.
Since Trump gives off the appearance of a mega criminal, he very well may have some informants of his own within the DOJ and Mueller’s Investigation. So, here’s what you do. You give an envelope with various information on all of your guys to your mole inside of the investigation. Then, the mole that is inside of your organization is going to work double-time to try and track that information down and he will put himself at risk of being revealed.
Also, if these two moles are sleeping with the same psychiatrist, then the one of those two who starred in Blood Diamond is the mole. This is the move you kind of use as a last ditch effort as everyone will die in the end. RIP.
Fourth, if someone is looking to destroy Toontown and build a resort on the property, that guy is actually evil. Which, in this administration, might be a lot of suspects.
Fifth, you take everyone to a bath house, if any of them refuse to undress and blame their high blood pressure, then you elevate your suspicions. Especially if they then disappear for a really long time and come back claiming that they were down in Puerto Rico receiving treatment for a bad back.
Even then, you don’t know for sure they are the informant until you have a dream about them talking to you while they are in the form of a fish. Then you take ’em on the boat and bada-bing.
Finally, whoever shows the most interest in catching the mole is the mole. Yeah, I know, right? How did it take me this long to get to this bit of information? That should be the most obvious thing to check. And, it is. I solved this caper a half hour ago, but, I saved it for the end because I figured it would be more dramatic this way.
The big reveal:
White House counselor and former Trump campaign manager Kellyanne Conway said Friday that she has no evidence yet that there was an FBI informant inside the campaign, but she said she’s looking.
“That is my mission, to be looking for it,” Conway said at the White House. “I told you that there may have been, correct?”
Source: Washington Examiner
So, there ya go. Kellyanne Conway is your mole. I expect a couple of congratulatory tweets from Trump on this one.