Yesterday, a school shooting took place in [insert city name]. And, interestingly, a GOP politician stood up to say that part of the problem was too many [______________]…Can you guess the blank?! Was it a. Guns; b. GUNS c. GODDAMN GUNS; or d. Entrances.
Well, if you said D…drop the confetti because yeah, he went there.
“There are too many entrances and too many exits to our over 8,000 campuses,” Patrick said. “There aren’t enough people to put a guard at every entry and exit.”
Source: Everywhere, but this morning I choose Vox.
It was a bold statement. The audacity of the pivot. The armed guards line just not quite working, so, let me find the right place to lay this blame.
But, you know what, I am open-minded to a fault. So, I came up with some solutions within the context of the nonsense that these shootings are happening based on having too many damn entrances. Let’s do it.
- Exclusive Nightclub Un-Marked Door
No Shooters getting in here, folks, only the cool kids.
- Revolving Door
Revolving Doors are the worst. I’ve also been told that I think this due to my social anxiety because…WHY THE HELL IS THIS GUY GETTING IN THIS DOOR WITH ME. And, in any event, when the shooter hops in the revolving door, 3 other kids will too, and then the shooter will panic, and next thing you know: he’s on the outside of the school again. Rinse and Repeat.
- Drawbridge with a Moat
WOW. Who doesn’t want to go to school in that castle? This worked in midieval times, I don’t see why it wouldn’t now. Hey, sure, a couple kids might get burned by the Dragon in the moat, but, whatever, collateral damage.
- No Doors
Simple and effective.
- Laser Field
How do we protect all the most valuable pieces in big heist movies? A field of lasers. You think a kid with an AR-15 strapped on his back and no experience with laser fields is going to pull off the moves necessary to get into the school?
- Really Heavy Door
This one is pretty simple. You make the door really heavy so that one kid alone can not open the door.
Much like the laser field and preferably made out of corn. The goal here is to frustrate the hell out of the shooter. Maybe you go left and you’ll be into the school…ARGGH no that’s another dead end. Ten minutes later, you’re still stuck, you’re re-tracing your steps back to the beginning and eventually you just have to give up.