I was walking back to the DC office today, contemplating fake news and time travel. I was about to peep the President’s latest tweets when suddenly, somebody spit chew at my feet and asked “Yer one of them fake news reporters with a liberal agenda, ain’tcha?”. I was about to respond “Well, actually…” when I looked up and there he was: General Robert E. Lee. When he belted out “Whatchu lookin’ at, snowflake? Quit yer cuckin’ & get on with it,” I knew I had no time to beat around the bush. I invited him for some conversation and whiskey. This is that conversation.
Wow, General Lee, thanks for taking the time to sit down with me today.
Likewise. I can tolerate the company of a man who appreciates a good whiskey. Even if you are a snowflake. And even if it is an Irish instead of a nice southern bourbon or Tennessee sour mash.
Oh, I love me some good bourbon. You can believe that. At least it’s not that weak Canadian shit.
Hoooooo boy, you got that right! *clink*
Damn straight. So tell me, General, how’s it going these days? What’s it like for you to experience all the 21st century has to offer?
Well, it’s been an adjustment, to be honest. But things are looking better and better.
Well, some of my statues have been destroyed, and I was at the DMV the other day tryin’ to get my horsepower machine license or whatever you call it. I waited in line for more than 2 hours. I said ma’am do you know who I am? And she just didn’t get it. Asked if I was a part-time Santa Claus or somethin’. And I had one eye half-open when she took mah picture. I looked like a goddamn pirate. But other’n that, things are good. Things are good. Take technology for instance. I binge watch all the Civil War stuff on Netflix even if they don’t get it half right and I can’t remember my password half the time. And I constantly get called a Russian bot on Twitter, whatever that means. But I got retweeted five times by the President. So I guess you could say things are lookin’ up fer me.
Wow, that’s actually kind of impressive. He blocks or ignores a lot of people on Twitter. But speaking of modern politics, what’s your take? Do you harbor any resentment or bitterness in the current climate?
Now look here, son. I know I fought me a Civil War and all that, and that’s fine. If it was up to me, I never woulda done fought that there war. But it is what it is, and a man’s gotta move on. Like Mueller and that criminal deep state Russia investigation, for example. The fact is, President Trump won. That’s it, he won. In my day, all the women and umm, other people who voted for Hillary wouldn’t have even had the right to vote. Now, as you recall, after the war, I opposed voting rights for former slaves. But I supported a free public education for everybody. Yet some people call me a racist to this day.
Racist is as racist does, asshole. But go on.
Ahem. Anyway, where was I? Trump. Yes, Trump. Y’see, back in my day, we fought an insurrection. Which I was never pardoned for, by the way. Some were, but I only received amnesty. *cough*NO COLLUSION*cough* At any rate, I’m kinda likin’ this 50 state thing. The country sure is bigger than it was back then, and I don’t really know what a New Mexico is, since we fought Mexico back in my day. But you got the NFL, NBA, 500 TV channels, and Trump’s making America great again.
O……K…….I’d like you to elaborate on what exactly makes you think Trump is making America great again.
Well first off, you gotta understand he’s gettin’ ridda all the regulation. Makin’ it like the wild west again. But then you got him givin’ us all a tax break…
I haven’t seen an increase in my paycheck.
Shut it, libturd. You must not make enough money to begin with. An’ that’s another thing. Trump’s made it OK to say what I wanna say again. You may say I’m racist, but bitch I’m in the Republican majority. Scoreboard. You damn right about that. But let’s see, uhh..uhh…where was I?
Let’s back it up a little bit. You said he’s making the country like the wild west again. I get that you 19th century pricks like the deregulation, racism, misogyny, voter suppression, guns everywhere, and all that. Is there any other way Trump is making life easier for you?
Yes, he’s bringing the spirit of the 19th century back. When men of a certain persuasion held all the power, robber baron tycoons did as they liked, an’ there wasn’t a damn thing anybody could do about it. America First! That’s what I like. Who cares if the tariffs hurt our ability to buy the things we like. The tariffs mean we’re winning, and that’s more important. We need to hurt our enemies.
Wow. That comparison was a little too on point to begin there, and some would say that instead of winning we’re the laughing stock of the world right now. But let’s redirect a little bit.
The NFL announced today that they reached a so-called compromise on the anthem protests by making it mandatory for players to either stand for the anthem or stay in the locker room if they like. A “compromise”, despite the fact that the players didn’t gain anything, the league didn’t lose anything, and the league didn’t invite a single player representative to discuss the decision before it was made. Not only that, but the owners’ families WERE invited to the discussions. What are your thoughts on that?
I’m a big NFL guy, because fuck hockey. But boy, you gotta understand. An owner is a leader. They have every right to make whatever decision they want to make. And the players have to know their place and stay in it. They also need to stop disrespectin’ the flag.
I gotta say that while I appreciate you not making more direct comparisons to your era, I really don’t share that sentiment. You can’t have any compromise when you don’t invite the other party to the table. Furthermore, the players make the owners their money. They have every right to protest the inequality that persists in this country. Especially when it’s done respectfully. Colin Kaepernick actually went to a United States soldier and asked how he could protest most respectfully. It was the soldier that told him that taking a knee would be the respectful way to go, over sitting. Did you know that? That a soldier told Kaepernick how to protest respectfully?
I did not know that. Ya learn somethin’ new every day. But let’s wrap this up quick. I got a new episode of Game of Thrones to catch.
The final season actually doesn’t start until 2019…
Boy, don’t make me…
Ok, how would you handicap Trump’s odds of impeachment?
+420. He’ll finish his term before Mueller can wrap things up. Not that there’s anything to find. *wink*
Rockets vs. Warriors. Series is tied 2-2. Who ya got?
Rockets in 7. Golden State just doesn’t care enough this year. Spoiled fuckin’ babies.
Thanks for taking the time to speak with me today. Also go fuck yourself, you traitorous, racist prick.