Prison Mike Stops By The Office To Explain “Spy-Gate”

Everyday is an experience around the Slippery Jim Comey offices and today we were honored by an absolutely special guest. A man who really needs no introduction if you work for the US Attorney’s Office for the Southern District of New York. We wanted to wrap our heads around this Donald Trump Spy-Gate allegation and so we thought, what better way than to have our new Justice Correspondent Prison Mike C break things down for us. 

Welcome

PrisonMikeSmallHey, thanks for having me!

You seem excited! So, let’s get this going before you remember how dire and bleak your situation currently appears.

PrisonMikeSmallMY SITUATION IS ONLY DIRE AND BLEAK TO THE HATERS.

Alright, yeah, calm down, now, we were talking before…And, we thought you could have some good insight into this whole ordeal with the FBI, the Trump Campaign and an informant.

PrisonMikeSmallA SPY

So, we decided to bring you in as our Justice Correspondent. Let’s kind of take this one step at a time. Now, you are a lawyer…

PrisonMikeSmallAllegedly.

Right, allegedly, are you sure you want to say allegedly in this instance? Actually, don’t answer that, I think we are good on the particulars. Now, you have a background in…well, you’re not in Prison yet, so, I don’t really know if I get the character.

PrisonMikeSmallYOU GOTTA BE READY FOR EVERYTHING, SO I’M JUST KIND OF MENTALLY JACKED FOR THE MOMENT WHEN IT HAPPENS, ALRIGHT? PRISON MIKE IS TOUGH. PRISON MIKE KNOWS THE LAW. NOT SOFT LIKE MICHAEL COHEN, YOU KNOW? THAT GUY…COHEN, HE DOESN’T KNOW THE LAW…THEY’RE TALKING ABOUT HIM FLIPPING ON MR TRUMP TO SAVE HIS OWN “FAMILY”. PRISON MIKE HAS NO FAMILY.

That’s certainly good enough for me, Prison Mike. But, please, just stop shouting. Let’s get into it so that we can really explain for folks what is happening here. A lot of people are looking at the situation and thinking, “isn’t that just a confidential informant looking at potential criminal activity” and wondering why the hell it is getting flipped on its head by Donald Trump.

PrisonMikeSmall A lot of people don’t know what the hell they are talking about. What you have here is very, very simple. The haters and the losers don’t recognize the simplicity of this and so that is why you have to have me break this down for them. There is NO criminal activity. Donald Trump is the PRESIDENT. You think you can convict a PRESIDENT of a crime? Day One at Law School they teach you that you can not convict a President of a crime. 

I’m not sure they teach you that in Law School at all.

PrisonMikeSmall I’m not talking about the law school with books. I’m talking about the LAW SCHOOL OF HARD KNOCKS. If Mueller wants to roll his sleeves up and have this out in the yard, I tell ya what, my shiv is sharper than his shiv. Now, don’t pull me off topic again or I’ll chin check ya. Look, it comes down to this, my man. All these charges they are a bum beef, Bob Mueller with his monkey mouth rattlin’ all day about us? He don’t know us.

Can we get to the informant.

PrisonMikeSmall WE GET TO THE INFORMANT WHEN I SAY WE GET TO THE INFORMANT.

The spy.

PrisonMikeSmallRIGHT THE SPY.

Well, what can you tell me about this alleged spy? Do you know who the spy is or what they look like?

PrisonMikeSmall Yes. We know exactly the Spy. I briefed Mr. Trump on this matter personally. The Spy is a gentlemen in a long white or black coat, with a white or black wide-brim fedora, and they have very long, beak-like faces. Usually carrying Dynamite or other explosives hidden behind their back.

Did you just describe the Spy vs. Spy characters from MAD Magazine?

PrisonMikeSmall I described the SPY in the Trump Campaign. 

Ok, but, can you tell the people why this is a SPY and not just a confidential informant? Doesn’t the FBI use confidential informants to handle investigations all of the time? It would seem here like they had a lot of suspicions about Russia wanting to get involved with Trump Associates.

PrisonMikeSmallTrump Associates are Great people, the best people my boss always tells me, why wouldn’t Russians want to get involved with us? 

Well, they clearly do want to get involved with you guys. So, that’s why all the way back in 2016, the FBI started to warn the Trump campaign about potential Russian involvement, and now it has come out that they had an informant try to suss out how far the Russians were going regarding their contact with the Trump campaign.

PrisonMikeSmall AND YOU THINK THAT WAS LEGAL?

I mean, it doesn’t sound wrong.

PrisonMikeSmall So, Obama can just put a spy out there to gather information. Win an election and everyone is like, hey that is cool with me? THAT AIN’T COOL WITH PRISON MIKE, OK?

Why did you mention Obama? What does he have to do with anything? And, what election did he win?

PrisonMikeSmall The Criminal Deep State. That is what I am talking about. You got all these real criminals out here, they are just walking around. My man Obama can go into a Starbucks and no one calls the cops on him for loitering? That is what I am talking about. He still operates just as he ever did. 

Now, let’s kind of switch gears here. Because, you are making some statements that you really can not support, and we only deal with the facts at Slippery Jim Comey.

PrisonMikeSmall Deal with facts? No one is out here dealing in facts. This is all the game behind the game, behind the game. This is what we do. We shuffle up. We keep you on your toes. Look at you. You punk. You don’t know what is coming next from Prison Mike. 

Be that as it may, Yesterday, the Taxi King of New York entered a guilty plea and immediately there was a lot of speculation that he might flip on you, cooperate. What can you tell us about the situation with the Taxi Medallions?

PrisonMikeSmallWell, it’s pretty simple. He ain’t the Taxi King anymore.

Are you implying you may have had something to do with taking down the Taxi King?

PrisonMikeSmall Look, look, I’m doing nothing of the sort, no allegations. But, the Taxi business is rough. Now, I ain’t no suit-wearing businessman like you, you know, I’m just a gangsta, I suppose…and, I want my Taxi Medallions.

Do you think the Taxi King is looking to flip on you?

PrisonMikeSmall I catch him slippin’ one time boy I tell you he ain’t gonna want to deal with Prison Mike. Nobody is about this life enough to want to step to me. Michael Avenatti should come get some, I tell you that much. Like, ok, think he can just trot out my bank records? Ain’t no one in these streets out here giving a damn about no BANK RECORDS. I’m supposed to be the fixer of a big criminal organization, and we’re in here talkin’ about Bank Records. I mean, Listen, we are talkin’ about bank records. Not a crime! Not the crimes that I go out there and die for and fix every problem like it’s my last. Not the crimes, we’re talkin’ about bank records, man. I mean, how silly is that? We’re talkin’ about bank records. I know I’m supposed to lead by example. I know that. And, I’m not shoving it aside like it don’t mean anything. I know it’s important. I do. I honestly do. But, we’re talkin’ about bank records, man. What are we talking about? Bank Records? We’re talkin’ about bank records, man!

I’ll go bankrupt eighteen times over before I care about my finances. I am straight cash.

A lot of that cash seems to have come from the Qatari Government. What is their deal in all of this?

PrisonMikeSmall Who cares what their deal is in all of this. 

Robert Mueller?

PrisonMikeSmall Bob gon’ dance on the blacktop for dippin’ in the Kool-Aid, alright? 

Wow, you’re really going to make me go to Urban Dictionary for that one?

PrisonMikeSmall If I do I do. Now, can we get back to the topic on hand? We are all over the place. Fact of the matter that might not be an actual fact but IS a-disputed-yet-often-strongly-said-so-people-don’t-worry-about-it fact, is that my man Trump did not do any crimes. Don Jr? Ok. Pelican Bay, you know? Kushner? I mean, he’s soft, he’s gonna take the fall. Kid still has to earn his bones and if he can keep his mouth shut, know what I mean? He could get to the inner circle. 

What exactly is the inner circle?

PrisonMikeSmall WHERE WE TALK ABOUT THE CRIMES AND WATCH CERTAIN TAPES BACK OVER AND OVER. You’re slow as hell.

Any last points of emphasis on the informant as we are completely off the rails?

PrisonMikeSmall We know who he is and we are coming for him. Metaphorically, or maybe not, do you want to take the chance that Prison Mike deals in metaphors?! I didn’t think so, pal.

On that note, Prison Mike flipped a table and left. He sent a text message a few moments ago that said he would like to come back to analyze other legal issues in the future, so, look forward to that.

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