A Canadian Sasquatch Takes on American Politics

Broken Record Benji is friends with some Sasquatches in various places – Canada, the Pacific Northwest, Michigan’s Upper Peninsula, etc. He caught up with one of his Canadian ‘Squatch buddies who’s pretty into American politics and asked him to write a guest piece for SlipperyJimComey.com. He agreed, and this is the Sasquatch’s hot take. His name isn’t given because he doesn’t like the publicity (duh).

Y’all, America has a snowflake problem. And no, I’m not talking about that spoiled little brat, Kylo Ren. Nor is it the feminist nephew you felt like punching at your last family Thanksgiving. It’s not even snow accumulation due to a polar vortex, and it doesn’t mean global warming is fake news. As a matter of fact, the joke’s on you because I don’t even trifle with such bitch-ass pettiness when it comes to political power dynamics.

Though for the record, those Trump loving sycophants who couldn’t parse a multi-clause sentence if their life depended on it definitely get triggered pretty easily when you call them on their bullshit. So if anyone’s a snowflake, it’s them. Not that I’m overly concerned about ignorant lickspittles trolling the internet. Unfortunately, those bigoted F-star-star cunts are allowed to vote. But I digress.

No, no. The stakes are much higher than some fucktard posting a Pepe the Frog meme. I don’t give a shit about who “snowflake’d” whom on the internet. Shit’s gettin’ real, ya know what I mean?

You got Herr Drumpf separating immigrant children from their families, which makes America look like our white trash neighbors to the south, and it really decreases Canada’s property value. You got the Cheeto in Chief placing tariffs on Canadian commodities, which forced Prime Minister Trudeau to pimp slap the President and remind him who runs North America. And you got America’s Congress robbing the working classes to give to the rich.

Donny Twitter is bad at a lot of things, but he knows how to throw his weight around and take every inch of influence he’s given through passivity. Democratic leadership needs to stop being as soft and silent as a delightful snowflake floating delicately and deliciously onto my outstretched tongue in the middle of the Yukon Territory.

Ahem. Where was I? Ah, yes.

For too long, America’s progressives leadership has functionally allowed the Democratic Party to become the weaker party. It’s a party that stands for progressive principles, but fights for them meekly; that engages in high level policy debate with multi-layer complexity, but refuses to go for the rhetorical kill shot when it’s there for the taking. It’s become the party whose creed has become taking the high road instead of getting their thousand dollar Oxfords dirty, when the President runs his party like a mafia kingpin, and his minions sling mud like a redneck driving a Chevy through the fields of Puerto Rico after a hurricane.

It’s like in hockey when (oops, sorry, I forgot you guys don’t care about that) it’s like if the Crimson Tide were to build a big lead and then just sit on it the rest of the game. Running three times, then punting to give Auburn as many possessions as possible to catch up and make things interesting at the end. Fuck no, Nick Saban’s not going down like that. If he can, he’s gonna curb stomp the opposition 10 times out of 10. Nursing a slight lead is the kind of thing you’d expect out of a mid-’90s Big Ten team, and it’s what Democrats are doing with the Mueller investigation. They’re just sitting there, letting the investigation play out, not saying a damn thing while the media parrots every falsely equivocating morsel Republican leadership wants to feed them. By the time Mueller releases his findings, half of America is going to believe it was all political anyway and go back to watching The Voice.

But if progressives are going to play the conservative power game, it’s going to take two things: 1) millions of people need to care enough to actually start taking concrete actions like voting to impose the will of the growing majority, and 2) elected progressives need to take lessons from their opponents on how to wield power, then actually do it. But the wrinkle is that people actually have to start giving a shit and acting like it. And the elected officials are going to have to learn on the fly. But a lot of Trump’s power is an illusion that will evaporate if someone simply fills the power void to oppose some of his stupider shit. Just remember: if a Cooley Law grad from Staten Island can look like a heavyweight, anyone can.

It’s time for the era of meek and passive progressives to end. Contrarian shitlords who value authoritarianism and greed over everything else yield to only one thing: power. Not power through violence. Not the power of prayer. The power of stoic, insistent motherfuckers standing up for common sense and not yielding an inch to Trumpist bullshit.

And that’s my two Canadian cents. Oh, and sawrry for the crude language, eh?

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