What Would Happen If Donald Trump DID Shoot James Comey?

Donald Trump once said, “I could stand in the middle of 5th Avenue and shoot somebody and I wouldn’t lose voters.” Rudy Giuliani this weekend said, “If he shot James Comey, he’d be impeached the next day.” Sure seems like a metaphor those guys kick around all the time. But, it makes you think…what IF Donald Trump DID happen to shoot James Comey. We take you live…to CNN…

Don Lemon: Interesting day in Washington today. We are going to take you right now to a clip from the White House Press Briefing Room. Just a moment ago.

Jim Acosta: Why did President Trump shoot James Comey?

Sarah Huckabee Sanders: We can not at this time confirm that President Trump shot James Comey.

Acosta: There is a video that has already been played over and over that shows President Trump shooting James Comey.

Sanders: This is a tiring line of questions, Jim, and we are going to end the questions with that since you folks can not control yourselves. I will say this, however, President Trump is an honorable man. If he shot James Comey, then the question that you all refuse to ask, but should ask, is what did James Comey do to deserve getting shot? Will you ask that Jim?

Acosta: What did James Comey do to deserve to get shot?

Sanders: Who shot James Comey? This is the first I am hearing of it.

Cut back to Don Lemon in the Studio.

Don Lemon: So, certainly a night that may go down in American history, but, also, a night that we may forget about in a few days because of all the other crazy things that will certainly happen. We have our panel with us to speak about this matter. Let me introduce you guys.

CNNPanel

LemonSmall

Lemon: First, we have Rick Santorum. All around stand up guy who has never had crazy opinions that have made us say, “why the hell do people give him the time of day to talk about the issues”. Next, he is an American Singer-Songwriter, guitarist and activist: Ted Nugent. Then, from being a Judge, we have Judge Reinhold. Next, we have a pair of lawyers who have both represented Donald Trump: Rudy Giuliani and Michael Cohen.

PrisonMikeSmall

Michael Cohen: That’s Prison Mike, Officially.

LemonSmall

Excuse me?

RudySmall

Giuliani: Oh, geez, it’s a silly little bit the guy does. He puts on a bandana and colors in a couple prison tattoos and thinks he is a badass.

PrisonMikeSmall

AM a badass.

LemonSmall

Ok, Prison Mike, Welcome to the panel.

PrisonMikeSmall

yo ok happy to be here. I would like my fee to be paid in a timely manner, or I’ll be back around with the baseball bat, capiche?

LemonSmall

And, finally, we have NBA Legend Dennis Rodman and CNN regular Chris Cillizza. Really, we could not find one female to talk about this issue?

NugentSmall

Ted Nugent: That’s because we are talking about shooting people, Don. That is men’s stuff. This is a fantastic panel.

CillizzaSmall

Chris Cillizza: Actually, we have a woman right here, next to me, she was on a comedy show for, quite some time.

LemonSmall

That’s right, welcome, Roseanne!

RoseanneSmall

Roseanne: Y’know if I had known Donald Trump would have shot somebody tonight I would not have taken those ambien. Let’s see where the night takes us.

LemonSmall

Now, I want to start with you, Chris Cillizza.

CillizzaSmall

Let’s do it.

LemonSmall

You had an interesting column that you published to CNN.com about 11 minutes after news broke about the shooting. The column was titled, “Winners and Losers of the Trump/Comey Shooting” so who do you think were the winners here?

CillizzaSmall

First, one, we have to say that any shooting is tragic. We sincerely hope that James Comey will pull through. But, second, ok, yeah, winners. Clearly, for winners we are looking at Robert Mueller. He has spent a year looking for any kind of crime to pin on Donald Trump and now he has a video of Trump shooting James Comey in broad daylight with about a hundred observers, and, in the back. The video certainly seems like Mr. Comey did not provoke Mr. Trump in any way.

PrisonMikeSmall

Look pal, that’s YOUR interpretation. I interprets it another way. Which is that Comey had it coming.

LemonSmall

What about losers, Chris?

CillizzaSmall

It’s a little too early to say that Donald Trump is a loser. How he will come out of this, well, time will still tell. A lot of people out there will support Trump no matter what, as Donald Trump himself has pointed out to us all on multiple occasions. So, for losers, initially, I wrote about this more in the piece, but, the bump stock industry. Usually with any kind of shooting the bump stock and rifle manufacturers make out like bandits. But, here, you have a plain old generic handgun shooting.

LemonSmall

And, that’s why you put Smith & Wesson in the Winners column. Dennis, what are your thoughts about that?

RodmanSmall

It’s just a little too soon I think to process. I have my buddy Kim hitting me up on text every ten seconds “he still gonna make it? need mcdonalds at the summit” and it’s like, I don’t know if one of my buddies is going to jail and my other buddy is over here, doesn’t know if he’s gonna get proper fast food at the summit.

RoseanneSmall

I don’t know if I should be the one to ask this, but, has anyone checked if Barack Obama has an alibi for the time of the shooting?

Judge Reinhold: What the hell is going on here?

LemonSmall

Rudy, let’s go to you on this, you are Donald Trump’s lawyer…

PrisonMikeSmall

ONE of his lawyers. Not the toughest lawyer Donald’s got. Kind of a weak little man over there.

RudySmall

Relax, Michael. Look, Don, I said it, originally, you can not indict a President for attempted murder when he is the President. Now, they will impeach him tomorrow. But, until that point, you’re not gonna have the police just roll up to the White House, Knock and Announce and kick the door in. The first step is Impeachment, until then, he is the law.

LemonSmall

For more on that story about the issue of Impeachment, we are going to head to the Halls of Congress, where Paul Ryan is standing by. Speaker Ryan, what do you think about the Impeachment talk that Mr. Giuliani just mentioned?

Paul Ryan: Impeachment? Wow. That, Don, that is a little premature. The only thing we know is that a man who looks a lot like Donald Trump and had a vast Secret Service detail with him, pulled up, and shot James Comey in the back. That is all. He posed for a couple pictures after, and then he left.

LemonSmall

Do you think that Mr. Trump shot James Comey?

Ryan: I want to say no to that, but, Don, it does look like that is the case. He tweeted a selfie of himself after the event that showed medical attending to Mr. Comey in the background while Trump smiled and gave thumbs up to the camera.

LemonSmall

Is that appropriate behavior for a President?

Ryan: Is it? I mean, as you know, with this President, we were able to pass vast tax reform. And, Americans, while not seeing that tax reform result in extra money in their pay checks, we have a lot of good men and women out there who are telling people that as a result of tax reform they will see more money in their pay checks.

Judge Reinhold: I’m sorry, is he talking about tax reform right now?!

LemonSmall

Speaker Ryan, let’s get back to Impeachment. Do you think this is something that the House will take up?

Ryan: Well, it’s June, so there is probably a summer break at some point in time, and there are a lot of matters that just can not wait that we have to take a look at. I was in my district the other day, and I stopped to visit with a woman I have known for quite some time. Elderly lady, but, she really knows her stuff. And, as I was speaking with her, a Meals on Wheels pulled up and brought her food right to the door-step. And, I thought, before I get out of Office, I have to make sure a moment like this never happens again. So, we really have a lot to take a look at. There’s still more from the Healthcare bill that we can increase costs to consumers to really drive up the benefits that the insurance companies can see. Always, we have to take a look at our schools. The more supplies we can take away from our children, the harder they will work for their education. Is impeachment of a President for shooting someone more important than those things?

SantorumSmall

Rick Santorum: If I can jump in here for a second. Mr. Trump has done a lot of great for the country. This one moment is not something that should define him. We have to also remember, this is a man, James Comey who once leaked a memo he wrote to a friend and that man leaked that memo to the media. So, I think, once you start putting everything in perspective, was Mr. Trump justified? I think so.

RoseanneSmall

If it was Mr. Trump.

Ryan: You know, it could have been someone in a Trump mask. There’s this great movie, I can’t remember the name of it. Judge Reinhold, I think you might have been in it. Takes place out in Los Angeles.

Reinhold: Beverly Hills Cop?

Ryan: That might be it. Anyway, there were these bank robbers that Keanu Reeves and Gary Busey…

LemonSmall

Note to my producers, get Gary Busey on the next panel.

Ryan: …And, they were tracking down these bank robbers…and guess what. They wore masks of former Presidents. Now, I know Mr Trump is not going to be a former President any time soon, but, the concept remains the same…

RoseanneSmall

Barack Obama in a mask!

CillizzaSmall

Wow. In that case, I really feel like, one of the Winners of this would have to be Keanu Reeves. Inspiring the plot to shoot James Comey would be one of those interesting little quirks he could tell at Hollywood parties.

LemonSmall

So, we have a Tweet from the President. I will read it, then Rick, fire away with instant reaction. Trump tweets: “Some people are saying that I shot lousy Jim. Slippery James Comey shot? Sad? I have not shot James Comey.”

SantorumSmall

There you go. Mr. Trump has denied shooting James Comey. And, he has done so very quickly. I think that speaks to the high character of Mr. Trump. Chris, do you think this puts him in play for the nobel even if the Summit with North Korea doesn’t happen?

PrisonMikeSmall

You think my man cares about winning a nobel peace prize? This is a sad day. I thought Mr. Trump was out here in the streets handling business and handing folks they asses on platters. I am not going to say I am disappointed in Mister Trump. But, the next time I am driving him around New Yawk, I’m gonna say, BADA BING, why didn’t you shoot James Comey?

RudySmall

Well, there you go. I apologize for the bad facts I had earlier. I am still working on getting up to speed with everything. I knew Mr. Trump would not have shot anyone. No need to Impeach. Case closed.

LemonSmall

Actually, now, I am seeing a second tweet from Mr. Trump. I will read it, “Believe me, of course I shot James Comey. He was a snake. And, would never shut up. And, his voice? Dull!” and, then, the next tweet: “economy firing on all cylinders! Wow! Tariffs! Go look for a job, ok? We have plenty of them. The best jobs. No credit once again from the Loser Democrats. Only talk is about shooting Comey! WHO CARES?”

RudySmall

Now, has anybody asked, “did this take place in a duel?” Maybe Comey had his back turned to Trump because Comey is a slow walker and this was a fair and square duel? If you kill someone in a duel, even if the other party does not know it was a duel, you can not be indicted.

NugentSmall

Damn Straight. Clean shot. Right as Rain.

Judge Reinhold: Where the hell did you read that? Don, what is this panel?

RudySmall

Your Honor, there is plenty of legal precedence. If you just give me some time to get up to speed on the facts a little more, I will find you that citation. Or, we will have moved on to the next story. This is all a very fluid situation.

SantorumSmall

NO!BEL! NO!BEL! NO!BEL! NO!BEL!

LemonSmall

Thanks for tuning in to CNN! Jake Tapper will likely slap me in the face for all of this, but, it’s been a hell of a night!

Photo Credits: Wiki Commons. No Endorsement of the Article Contents, Obviously. Parody/Satire, no Endorsement by any of these folks, but, we are thinking Dennis Rodman likely would have signed off on his line, maybe? Anyway, for the Lemon photo: Neon Tommy on Flickr. For Cillizza, the Miller Center on Flickr. For the Santorum Photo, Greg Skidmore. And, for the Rodman Photo, Laika ac on Flickr.
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3 thoughts on “What Would Happen If Donald Trump DID Shoot James Comey?

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