Everyone knows The Donald is a fan of the NFL, famously hanging out in Patriots owner Robert Kraft’s owner’s box while his hair blew around in the wind. It doesn’t seem like Trump likes the NBA all that much. But we do know 1) that President Obama was a big basketball fan, and 2) that President Trump’s favorite hobby is destroying Obama’s Presidential legacy. Keeping that in mind, have I ever spoken to President Trump? Fuck no. But this is what I imagine it might be like if I sat down to have a chat about the NBA with the leader of the free world.
Broken Record Benji: Good Afternoon, Mr. President.
The Donald: Good Afternoon, Benji. You know, I gotta say I’m pretty busy putting America first at the G7 right now, but I always welcome the chance to sit down with you and set the record straight about your bad ideas.
Broken Record Benji: Great, let’s start with…
The Donald: And prove that I know more about basketball than Obama. He liked basketball a lot, you know. A little too much if you ask me. Because he spent every day – and this is true – he spent every single day of his Presidency doing nothing but watching basketball and playing golf. That’s why it was such a failure of a Presidency.
Broken Record Benji: Legacy aside, because I’d like to stay away from politics and stick to basketball….
The Donald: Great idea, Benji. You’re full of bad ideas, but that’s actually a good one to be fair. And I am a fair President, by the way. Fairest President in history. Just look at how many people I’ve pardoned. But it’s great to stick to sports instead of politics because you see these guys in the NFL kneeling and disrespecting our flag. Disrespecting our military. And it’s a bad look. It’s a bad look for me, it’s a bad look for you, and it’s disrespectful to all of us. So I’d like to congratulate the NBA on sticking to basketball instead of politics. Do you see any NBA players kneeling during the anthem? That’s because…
Broken Record Benji: Well, that’s actually because of a pre-existing rule that..
The Donald: Excuse me. Excuse me, I wasn’t finished, Broken Record Benji. There you go repeating the same sad mantra over and over again. Just like crying Chuck Schumer and his pathetic pleas for human decency. The NBA players all stand for the anthem because they respect America. Or they at least respect me enough to do disrespectful things during the anthem. I’m a very powerful person, you know. More powerful than Obama or Slick Willy ever were.
Broken Record Benji: I was going to say that the NBA has had a rule since before the NFL situation began that the players have to stand for the anthem. But they’re allowed to speak out for social justice in other ways.
The Donald: That’s right, and believe me. Nobody’s done more for social justice than myself and Jeff Sessions. That is, with the exception of when Weak Jeff Sessions, that little Keebler elf, disobeyed my orders to not recuse himself from the Russia WITCH HUNT.
Broken Record Benji: Let’s steer back to basketball again.
The Donald: I am an expert. It’s my favorite sport. Great sport. You know, even some of the white guys they got out there are pretty decent.
Broken Record Benji: Riiiight. So the Finals just ended, with the Golden State Warriors sweeping the Cleveland Cavaliers 4 games to 0.
The Donald: That’s right, I’ve always loved the Warriors and respected them. They do things the right way. Steve Kerr, great coach. Reminds me of me a little bit, though he wins a few less games than I would with that team he’s got. He tries hard. I’ll give him that.
Did you know that whiny LeBron James punched a whiteboard? This is a true story. He was so mad at something. What it was, I don’t know. But he broke his hand by punching a whiteboard and then lost the rest of his games. I don’t know about you, but that doesn’t sound like much of a leader to me. And they ended up losers. I bet they wonder why. Well there you go. You’ve got a loose canon like Odell Beckham Jr. all up in your locker room punching walls. Did Odell Beckham Jr. tell him to do it? I don’t know, you’d have to ask him. One thing I know for sure is that they’re both losers and they need to get control of themselves. And now Loser LeBron might leave Cleveland, did you hear that?
Broken Record Benji: It is indeed quite the story that arguably the greatest player of all time could enter free agency this summer. Do you have any thoughts on where he might land?
The Donald: I’m sorry, what was that? The greatest what of all time? I saw LeBron sitting on the bench. Where Nancy Pelosi sits. There’s one thing LeBron is the greatest of all time at, and that’s riding the bench. His team’s losing big, he has all these fancy cars and endorsements, and he’s riding the bench while his team gets blown out. Doesn’t sound very great to me. But he is the greatest of all time at riding the bench while his team loses, there’s no doubt about that.
Broken Record Benji: I can’t say I agree, but do you have any thoughts on where LeBron might end up if he leaves Cleveland?
The Donald: I’m sorry, what? Could you speak a little louder?
Broken Record Benji: (whispering) Obama could take you to the house.
The Donald: I’m sorry, what? You know, you’re really trying my patience here. No, I did not invite the Warriors to the White House. And I’ll tell you why. Steph Curry. He didn’t respond quick enough to my invitation last year. So I disinvited the whole team, and they’re not welcome this year either. It also goes back to a repressed memory I have of some of my tenants back in Queens. I showed up to a BBQ, hoping to get to know some of my tenants a little better. I even cooked my own potato salad. Nothing but potatoes and mayo, just the way I like it. All anybody did was look at me weird. Nobody ate the potato salad. And on top of that, nobody would teach me how to play dominoes. I asked. They said I really didn’t want to get into that and that I’d embarrass myself. So I flipped the dominoes table over, grabbed my potato salad, and I evicted them all next week. And that was that.
Broken Record Benji: (stunned silence)
The Donald: You really are a loser, you know that? I’m out of here.