Sometimes You Make a Deal with the Devil, and Now It’s Donald J. Trump Positivity Week Here at SJC

Well, yesterday, I wanted something that Donald J. Trump wanted: a Russian victory over Spain in the World Cup. And, I was willing to make the best deals for it:

Three days, folks, and, in a Holiday Shortened week, that’s like ALL of the week.

So, I have decided to embrace this situation. Look at how nice I was to Trump in response to a good dude on Twitter questioning whether I would need to stop tweeting to pull this off:

So very nice.

To continue embracing this positivity, I have declared it “Donald J. Trump Positivity Week at SlipperyJimComey.com” where ONLY nice things will be said about Trump. The President, we can continue to say vile shit about the Monopoly Jr version of the man. Now, I have not, as they say in the business, “run this by” the others around here. Will they embrace DJT? I don’t know. Hopefully, because he is a great man that is so generous that when he makes a deal with someone, that person on the other side only leaves the table feeling happy and as if they got everything they wanted out of the deal and more.

What a guy. And, this week, we celebrate him, basically.

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Nut-Job Conservatives Now Would Like to Change the Immigration Debate to Asking What the Fuck a Cage Is…

Screenshot_2018-06-18-08-50-51.png

Imagine looking at that picture and thinking, I need to speak up about this injustice. And, then, smashing out that headline.

Conservatives/The Right/Republicans/Trump Sycophants/Whatever You Would Like to Call Them, worked very hard this weekend to try and confuse the issue regarding the Trump administrations Immigration policy that has led to Trump Camps along our borders. Trump Camps consisting of Trump Cages. Which, hopefully, will go the way of most Trump Products…gone before most even knew they existed.

The Stance of the Administration on the Separation policy is essentially this:

Continue reading “Nut-Job Conservatives Now Would Like to Change the Immigration Debate to Asking What the Fuck a Cage Is…”

Introducing the G3.5

Over the weekend, President Trump attended and then left early from the G7 summit in Canada. He pouted over the lack of Russian inclusion and then took off to attend a Summit with his new pal who will not shake his hand as hard as French President Emmanuel Macron did.

The result of this Summit? Well, we have an advance copy of the White House memo at the conclusion of the Summit:

FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE:

From the Desk of the President of the United States,

Today, it is my great honor to announce that the result of Summit in Singapore has led to a new G. The G 3.5. I looked the G7 losers in the eye and asked them where Russia was. Believe me, they had no answers. So, I folded my arms, flew across the Globe and we got things done. You can not have Gs without Russia. 

Canada, let me say this, has a lot of sass for a Nation smaller than Rhode Island in “usable land”. People are telling me, Donald, you should annex Toronto. I’ve thought about it, certainly, I think about all the best ideas. And, I don’t know, what do you think? Should we bring Toronto into America? Believe me, People are saying we should do it. And, Trudeau, he is so weak, he doesn’t belong in the Gs. I said to him, Justin, I will take Toronto, ok? And, he just kind of chuckled. What a weak, weak, man. He gave me Toronto! He said, take it! I told him I don’t want it. Ok.

Now…

The New G3.5 aka “The Best G” consists of only powerhouse Nations. The United States, Russia…excuse me, Mother Russia as they like to be referred, North Korea and also South Korea. South Korea is the half. They said, “no no this is a bad idea,” and I said, believe me, it’s the best idea, ok? And, they said no. So, then Vladimir stared at them and they still said no.

Sometimes you just have to grab them and pull them close and say, you’re with me. So, we did that. South Korea is the half. Maybe we’ll let them get full membership when they stop whining about being taken hostage to this deal. But, I don’t know, I like the ring of 3.5 G’s. 

The G 3.5 represents 63% of Global Net Wealth and 47% of Gross Domestic Product. Believe me, that is a lot of GDP. Further, The G 3.5 has already produced jobs. Jobs for AMERICA. OK. Not jobs for Canada. American jobs. Thousands of them. Already. Millions of Dollars right into the coffers of America. Overnight. Something the G7 has never done. The G 3.5 is about trade that benefits America. This is a fantastic deal. Is it the BEST deal? Of course. I asked Lou Dobbs.

Thank Me,

 

Donald J. Trump

President (WOW)

What Would Happen If Donald Trump DID Shoot James Comey?

Donald Trump once said, “I could stand in the middle of 5th Avenue and shoot somebody and I wouldn’t lose voters.” Rudy Giuliani this weekend said, “If he shot James Comey, he’d be impeached the next day.” Sure seems like a metaphor those guys kick around all the time. But, it makes you think…what IF Donald Trump DID happen to shoot James Comey. We take you live…to CNN…

Don Lemon: Interesting day in Washington today. We are going to take you right now to a clip from the White House Press Briefing Room. Just a moment ago.

Jim Acosta: Why did President Trump shoot James Comey?

Sarah Huckabee Sanders: We can not at this time confirm that President Trump shot James Comey.

Acosta: There is a video that has already been played over and over that shows President Trump shooting James Comey.

Sanders: This is a tiring line of questions, Jim, and we are going to end the questions with that since you folks can not control yourselves. I will say this, however, President Trump is an honorable man. If he shot James Comey, then the question that you all refuse to ask, but should ask, is what did James Comey do to deserve getting shot? Will you ask that Jim?

Acosta: What did James Comey do to deserve to get shot?

Sanders: Who shot James Comey? This is the first I am hearing of it.

Cut back to Don Lemon in the Studio.

Don Lemon: So, certainly a night that may go down in American history, but, also, a night that we may forget about in a few days because of all the other crazy things that will certainly happen. We have our panel with us to speak about this matter. Let me introduce you guys.

CNNPanel

LemonSmall

Lemon: First, we have Rick Santorum. All around stand up guy who has never had crazy opinions that have made us say, “why the hell do people give him the time of day to talk about the issues”. Next, he is an American Singer-Songwriter, guitarist and activist: Ted Nugent. Then, from being a Judge, we have Judge Reinhold. Next, we have a pair of lawyers who have both represented Donald Trump: Rudy Giuliani and Michael Cohen.

PrisonMikeSmall

Michael Cohen: That’s Prison Mike, Officially.

LemonSmall

Excuse me?

RudySmall

Giuliani: Oh, geez, it’s a silly little bit the guy does. He puts on a bandana and colors in a couple prison tattoos and thinks he is a badass.

PrisonMikeSmall

AM a badass.

LemonSmall

Ok, Prison Mike, Welcome to the panel.

PrisonMikeSmall

yo ok happy to be here. I would like my fee to be paid in a timely manner, or I’ll be back around with the baseball bat, capiche?

Continue reading “What Would Happen If Donald Trump DID Shoot James Comey?”

Prison Mike Stops By The Office To Explain “Spy-Gate”

Everyday is an experience around the Slippery Jim Comey offices and today we were honored by an absolutely special guest. A man who really needs no introduction if you work for the US Attorney’s Office for the Southern District of New York. We wanted to wrap our heads around this Donald Trump Spy-Gate allegation and so we thought, what better way than to have our new Justice Correspondent Prison Mike C break things down for us. 

Welcome

PrisonMikeSmallHey, thanks for having me!

You seem excited! So, let’s get this going before you remember how dire and bleak your situation currently appears.

PrisonMikeSmallMY SITUATION IS ONLY DIRE AND BLEAK TO THE HATERS.

Alright, yeah, calm down, now, we were talking before…And, we thought you could have some good insight into this whole ordeal with the FBI, the Trump Campaign and an informant.

PrisonMikeSmallA SPY

So, we decided to bring you in as our Justice Correspondent. Let’s kind of take this one step at a time. Now, you are a lawyer…

PrisonMikeSmallAllegedly.

Right, allegedly, are you sure you want to say allegedly in this instance? Actually, don’t answer that, I think we are good on the particulars. Now, you have a background in…well, you’re not in Prison yet, so, I don’t really know if I get the character.

Continue reading “Prison Mike Stops By The Office To Explain “Spy-Gate””

Our Schools Need New Entrances to Save Children. These Are Those Doors.

Yesterday, a school shooting took place in [insert city name]. And, interestingly, a GOP politician stood up to say that part of the problem was too many [______________]…Can you guess the blank?! Was it a. Guns; b. GUNS c. GODDAMN GUNS; or d. Entrances.

Well, if you said D…drop the confetti because yeah, he went there.

“There are too many entrances and too many exits to our over 8,000 campuses,” Patrick said. “There aren’t enough people to put a guard at every entry and exit.”

Source: Everywhere, but this morning I choose Vox.

It was a bold statement. The audacity of the pivot. The armed guards line just not quite working, so, let me find the right place to lay this blame.

But, you know what, I am open-minded to a fault. So, I came up with some solutions within the context of the nonsense that these shootings are happening based on having too many damn entrances. Let’s do it.

  • Exclusive Nightclub Un-Marked Door

No Shooters getting in here, folks, only the cool kids.

  • Revolving Door

revolving door

Revolving Doors are the worst. I’ve also been told that I think this due to my social anxiety because…WHY THE HELL IS THIS GUY GETTING IN THIS DOOR WITH ME. And, in any event, when the shooter hops in the revolving door, 3 other kids will too, and then the shooter will panic, and next thing you know: he’s on the outside of the school again. Rinse and Repeat.

Continue reading “Our Schools Need New Entrances to Save Children. These Are Those Doors.”

Oliver North’s NRA Initiatives Memo

We here at Slippery Jim Comey were able to get an advance copy of new NRA President Oliver North’s Initiatives Memo. The Memo outlines the vision that Oliver North has for the Organization. North is off to a fast start at the NRA, already labeling activists from Parkland as “civil terrorists”. How did we get this memo? Probably the same way Michael Avenatti keeps coming up with the Michael Cohen goods on Twitter. But, we don’t know how he’s doing that, so, we are kind of at a loss for how this turned up:

Dear Enthusiasts,

I am pleased to hear so many positive responses already to my comments about the real terrorists: those whose friends have died at the hands of gun violence. These are trying times, and, we must stick together. The gun is the tie that binds us, but, we are more than just gun owners. My desire as President of this organization is to continue the things we are good at: scaring people into belief that there is a culture war unfolding and that we all need guns to protect ourselves from those in the inner city. While also building on those qualities.

Continue reading “Oliver North’s NRA Initiatives Memo”