Rudy Guiliani Thinks Other Lawyers Should be as Uninformed on the Facts as He Is: Wants Mueller Investigation Closed

Rudy Guiliani is a superstar. That is why he has come aboard the Trump Train as a hand-selected “tv lawyer” despite all evidence showing that he’s not much of a capable lawyer. He has spent pretty much the entirety of his time as Trump’s Attorney either making dumb remarks about the case in public, OR, publicly walking back those dumb remarks by claiming that he wasn’t yet too familiar with the “facts” of the case.

And, yet, somehow, he has the gall to pout about the length of the Investigation.

“Come on! They’ve had a whole year,” Giuliani told Politico in a recent interview, referring to the Thursday anniversary of the probe. “We’re going to raise the pressure to try to get this thing over with. It’s gone on long enough.”

Source: Vanity Fair

Rudy Guiliani, the man who admittedly does not know a damn thing about the facts of this particular case believes that it should be done.

Here’s the thing about our boy Rudy. He seems terrible about keeping his thoughts to himself. And, what does this particular thought tell you? He wants to raise the pressure, in public, on Mueller, so that Mueller rushes things, gets sloppy and makes a mistake. I don’t know much about Bob Mueller, but, I do know that he has had this investigation going on for a year, he seems patient. So, I’m not so sure that this “I’m worried my client is guilty so let me try to speed things up” move by Guiliani will pay off.

I mean, there’s a lot of material to work through. You have a guy in Michael Cohen who worked very hard to either participate in bribery or give off the image of a man who participated in bribery. Those type of things don’t just wrap themselves up overnight…

 

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Classic Georgia: GOP Candidate for Governor has a Deportation Bus

Michael Williams is a terrible candidate for Governor in Georgia. I just learned his name today and first double checked whether this was Omar from The Wire (Michael K. Williams) before I slammed him (Not Omar). So, how do I know Mr. Williams is an awful candidate for Governor when I did not even know who he was?

Because just days before his election he is dropping the Political Stunt of the Year on the people of Georgia: A Deportation Bus.

Williams, one of five Republicans vying for the GOP nomination in Georgia’s upcoming governor’s race, plans to drive his bus across the state on Wednesday and Thursday, according to his campaign. The bus tour comes just days ahead of the state primary next week.

Source: USA Today

Yup, that is not the kind of move a Winner pulls. You know who also hates immigrants, is racist towards them, but, did not drive around a mobile-wall? I think you can figure that one out yourself. Even HE was able to realize that a gimmick like this would just make you look bad.

To showcase his ignorance, Williams had the following painted on the back: “Danger! Murderers, rapists, kidnappers, child molestors, and other criminals on board.” How in 2018 when we have so much information available to us do people still think that this is remotely true and not just a revealing of your personal inner-demons?

Congrats on the losing, Michael. No one gave enough of a damn about your message, so you went All-In with your short little chip stack and you’re about to bust out. You exit the race with no dignity, but, a lot of racism.

PS. I wikipedia’d this guy since I had the time and learned one thing not related to this bout with racism. He had a bump stock giveaway after the Las Vegas shooting…and, he said, “Blaming guns or bump stocks for the actions of a lunatic, is the same as blaming McDonald’s for heart disease.”

Do you know who DOES blame McDonald’s for heart disease? McDonald’s! Pay attention a little more man, they’ve been on a health-kick for like half a decade now. Sure, it’s relative, but, they fully understand they are killing you.

So, basically, all said, Mr. Williams is a perfectly suitably GOP candidate.

Classic North Korea: Threatens to Cancel Meeting with Trump

If there is one sure-fire way to get Trump to cancel any sort of planned event he has with you…it is to threaten to cancel on him. Cancel on me?! I’ll cancel on you first! is what I assume he says to Sean Hannity tonight in their nightly gab session.

In a move no one is surprised about, except maybe the Nobel Peace Prize committee who has already etched Don’s name into the award, North Korea is threatening their peace summit with Donald Trump based on U.S.A. – South Korea joint military exercises.

“The United States will also have to undertake careful deliberations about the fate of the planned North Korea-U.S. summit in light of this provocative military ruckus jointly conducted with the South Korean authorities,” North Korea said.

Source: TheHill

This is one of those moments where everyone who sat around taking a wait and see approach on whether Trump accomplishes anything of substance on North Korea are very excited. Because, yes, past Presidents have gotten hostages released from North Korea, test sites demolished, and kind words of a lessened nuclear arsenal from North Korea. So, maybe folks were right not to declare Trump and Dennis Rodman the greatest diplomats ever.

This is also one of those moments where you wake up at 630a.m. and refresh the hell out of @realdonaldtrump hoping for him to lose his mind over this slight from the North Koreans.

“we didnt need peace in north korea anyway, ok” – Future Donald Trump.

Jared Kushner Given Rare Opportunity to Speak; Immediately Is Edited by White House Transcripts Department

Some people say that Jared Kushner has a punchable face. I don’t know if I would want to punch him in the face, that’s not really my style. But, a lot of people are saying they want to punch the guy in the face.

Jared Kushner, who is not often gifted the opportunity to speak in public did so today at the shindig USA was having to unveil their Embassy in Jerusalem. Meanwhile, over 50 Palestinian protesters were killed in clashes with Israel. One of the things Kushner decided to say, and should have had regrets about immediately but likely did not because he seems like a smug jackass:

“As we have seen from the protests of the last month and even today, those provoking violence are part of the problem and not part of the solution,” he said.

Source: Time

That could prove to be problematic and you know who thinks so? The White House!

Yeah. So, the one time Kushner actually gets to speak and he promptly gets edited because he made an ignorant comment that will likely lead to more death. Can’t this guy just stick to quietly not getting his security clearance?

Illinois Police Threaten the Death of Dogs to Prevent Legal Marijuana

For police departments, one thing that threatens job security more than anything else is the complete legalization of marijuana. It takes easy arrests out of the hands of police, and it also will begin to change the Search and Seizure law regarding “smell” of marijuana allowing for police to search a vehicle.

In Illinois, some police representatives are putting forward a bold reason for why marijuana should not get legalized:

“The biggest thing for law enforcement is, you’re going to have to replace all of your dogs,” said Macon County Sheriff Howard Buffett, whose private foundation paid $2.2 million in 2016 to support K-9 units in 33 counties across Illinois. “So to me, it’s a giant step forward for drug dealers, and it’s a giant step backwards for law enforcements and the residents of the community.”

Later in the story, a K-9 trainer suggests some or most of the dogs will need to euthanized.

Source: The Washington Post

Couple things here, before I remind myself this is a humor blog and crack a couple of jokes. First, is the assumption here that only drug dealers are going to become legal drug dealers? That seems like a terrible assumption to make. But, uh, it’s not as terrible as the assumption made that the dogs will need to get euthanized.

I mean, look, I don’t want to question the credibility of “a K-9 trainer” but, we have a whole bunch of states who have legalized marijuana now, before you make the argument that you’ll have to kill a bunch of dogs, why don’t you pick up the phone and call someone in those states and find out how they’re handling the dog situation?

We can re-train dogs after whatever Michael Vick did to them, but, police dogs? Nah. They are too embedded in their training to break loose.

“I love my dog, but, he just can’t stop barking at black people who roll stop signs.”

“My dog is great, but, he bites anyone who pulls a cellphone from their pocket at night.”

Jim Comey Presents Animal Justice: A Conspiracy of Bees

With James Comey out of work with the FBI and into the writing game with his latest Amazon Banger: A Higher Loyalty, we decided to extend an invitation to Mr. Comey to come aboard this website and write Reports on cute Animals doing Criminal things. We thought it would be fun and a good use of his time. Spoiler: He hasn’t responded. So, “Jim Comey Presents: Animal Justice” is our imagining of how Comey would handle Animal Criminals. 

A beekeeper driving a swarm of bees to their new home ended up having a tense trip when the insects escaped their containers inside his vehicle.

Source: Some Australian Website?

Last night, I tuned in to TNT to watch NBA Playoff basketball. A lot of people don’t think, “I bet James Comey likes NBA basketball” and they are usually right. There’s a lot of traveling violations that go uncalled. The mid-range jump-shot seems non-existent. I love a good pick and pop set, though. I digress, I tuned in to TNT. And, I was early for the ballgame. I thought they would have Charles, Kenny and Shaq to “entertain” for a little bit, but, instead I ended up watching about 20 minutes of a motion picture about a runaway train starring Denzel Washington and Chris Pine.

Boy, was I entertained. I honestly have not been entertained like that in quite some time. It was just a runaway train that Denzel stopped and gave a little aw shucks grin about stopping. Entertaining stuff.

Anyway, you might be wondering where ol’ Jim is off to this time. And, I have to say, I came across that movie and this bees article about the same time. Now, the comparisons between that film and these bees are not completely on point, but, riding down the highway for 65 kilometres with thousands of bees loose, seems like you are set to meet the same sort of demise as a runaway train. A face-plant into a barrier or another car/truck…whatever the situation is.

These bees, they need Comey Justice, folks, they were out of control. Let’s take a closer look. Continue reading “Jim Comey Presents Animal Justice: A Conspiracy of Bees”

Donald Trump Poised for 2pm Announcement That He Is Great at Deals

Donald Trump has set a 2pm announcement to let the public know, for the millionth time, that he is a great deal maker. The current deal that Donald Trump would like to set fire to and then re-negotiate is the Iran nuclear deal.

Is that a good deal? Couldn’t tell you. But, Trump has been setting the bar very low for deal-making given that his last known deal was Rudy pointing out that Trump paid $450k+ to cover a $130k hush money payment.

How will this afternoon’s announcement go? Well, I don’t want to tell anyone else how to wager their money, but, see if you can get a parlay on this one out of your bookie:

  • Trump first announces that the previous Iran deal was weak or soft.
  • Trump then announces that he will negotiate a better deal. The BEST deal.
  • Trump then announces that the sanctions in the interim (my word not his) will be stronger on Iran than anyone ever despite being the exact sanctions in place before the deal was entered.
  • Iran cranks up the centrifuges within 30 days.
  • Lots of people lose their mind about how Trump is starting World War 3
  • Trump never makes a deal
  • Trump proclaims he made the best deal

I mean, that is about as bankable as it gets. If you want to really run wild, add in John Kerry to be the first prosecuted for Logan Act violations.