Sometimes You Make a Deal with the Devil, and Now It’s Donald J. Trump Positivity Week Here at SJC

Well, yesterday, I wanted something that Donald J. Trump wanted: a Russian victory over Spain in the World Cup. And, I was willing to make the best deals for it:

Three days, folks, and, in a Holiday Shortened week, that’s like ALL of the week.

So, I have decided to embrace this situation. Look at how nice I was to Trump in response to a good dude on Twitter questioning whether I would need to stop tweeting to pull this off:

So very nice.

To continue embracing this positivity, I have declared it “Donald J. Trump Positivity Week at SlipperyJimComey.com” where ONLY nice things will be said about Trump. The President, we can continue to say vile shit about the Monopoly Jr version of the man. Now, I have not, as they say in the business, “run this by” the others around here. Will they embrace DJT? I don’t know. Hopefully, because he is a great man that is so generous that when he makes a deal with someone, that person on the other side only leaves the table feeling happy and as if they got everything they wanted out of the deal and more.

What a guy. And, this week, we celebrate him, basically.

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Jill Stein Was The Most Powerful Democrat in 2016

Jill Stein was the most powerful Democrat in 2016. It’s a true story – that is, if all those whiny Hillary fanbois and girls are to be believed.

People are overly fixated on Jill Stein voters right now. It may have something to do with the fact that Justice Kennedy just retired, which will allow the Chief Cheeto to appoint another conservative Supreme Court Justice, definitively banking the Court on a hard right turn and bringing about the dawn of the Republic of Gilead (that’s a Handmaid’s Tale reference for you illiterate folk out there).

So obviously, if Trump hadn’t won the 2016 election, we wouldn’t be staring down the barrel of the Supreme Court potentially erasing the last 70+ years of Constitutional jurisprudence. Of course, this assumes that Senator McConnell won’t extend the courtesy of holding a confirmation vote after midterm elections, just as he held up the Merrick Garland nomination until Trump was elected. I’m not sure why people assume he wouldn’t maintain civility….hold on, I’m now remembering that he already done told us he’s going to ram the nomination through.

Related:

So naturally, tolerant Hillary sycophants were in a tizzy all over Twitter and Facebook last night, yelling as loud as they could into the virtual void.

Examples:

Yikes. It’s true that if nobody voted for Jill Stein and instead voted for Hillary, it would have swung the election. Trump would not be President right now. But just as with a single bad flag in football that could have swung the outcome, there are a lot of other things that could have too.

People could contemplate the fact that oh, I don’t know. Hillary could have like, ran a campaign to win instead of running a hubris-fueled campaign to not lose. The DNC could have not fucked with their own primary in ways that pissed off a lot of Democratic voters. Perhaps nominating someone who’s the subject of a highly polarizing scandal – legitimate or not (it was a farcical kangaroo court/show trial) is not the best strategy to win an election. Perhaps Hillary could have had more than ZERO ground game in Michigan and actually tried to engage voters. Just some thoughts. That is to say, yes she would be a million times better than Trump as President. She should have been President. The point is that fixating a bunch of vitriol on the severely misguided Stein voters is a bit well…pointless.

Don’t even get me started on blaming all Bernie supporters for being ridiculous Bernie Bros or the 1% who went for Stein. The overwhelming majority of Bernie voters backed Hillary in the general election. There were a few nut jobs who were disproportionately vocal about switching to Stein. And if all the Bernie lovers just stayed home, Hillary would have had 20+% of the vote. So get out of here with that garbage.

Isn’t this 2018? And fools are still relitigating the 2016 election? Meanwhile, traditional, stodgy Democratic Party stalwarts are bemoaning the fact that highly progressive candidates in both New York and Nebraska won their Congressional primary, as if they expected all the progressive energy generated by Bernie two years ago would simply go away. As if real, working class people wouldn’t love universal health care, a living wage, greater equality, and a host of other things that would drastically improve their lives.

Anyway, Jill Stein was clearly the most powerful Democrat in 2016 by Democrats’ own twitter admissions. Sad!

Say, what’s Robert Mueller up to these days, anyway?

United States Arranges for Return of Statue of Liberty to France

Back in the late 1800s some dude in France decided that America was worthy of a gift of Liberty to enlighten the World. Those arriving in the United States looked to the Statue and held a belief that they could prove their worth in America, or, otherwise, escape the perils of the Country they were coming from.

“Today, the Statue of Liberty is returning to France, ok. We are going to break it down, put it in boxes, and tell them to take it back,” President Trump said in a tweet, intermingling fluidly the announcement on the Statue with his tweets enraged about Harley Davidson. “And, France is going to pay for the shipping costs, believe me.”

Many in America were taken aback at the announcement. Sure, people thought, America at the moment does not embody the ideals of the Statue, but, it seems like kind of an arduous ordeal to remove the entire Statue. Stephen Miller addressed this in a memo on the policy choice:

Many people from the World around look at Lady Liberty in a way that disgusts me. They think of the Statue as a sign of Hope. That America is a place that will be accepting, tolerant. Tell me, why would we want the poor? We work hard as a country to already establish that many of our people are poor. The tired? The huddled masses? The masses are tired and huddled for a reason. Because they are not winners, as Mr. Trump would say. Send us homeless? How dare you.

Today, we say no more.

The decision comes on the same day that the Supreme Court upheld the Muslim Travel Ban instituted in 2017 by Donald Trump and on the heels of Trump’s proclamation of giving zero fucks about due process as it relates to those seeking Asylum in America.

Sarah Huckabee Sanders was not available for comment as she was fielding phone calls from Irish and Italian Restaurants canceling reservations she may or may not have set. But, fortunately, the President does not stop ranting and had more comments:

“Believe me, did we need this thing? Have you been to it? It’s ugly. If we are going to have a Lady welcome people to New York, believe me, she needs to be gorgeous, ok. And this Statue?”

“woof woof” chimed in former Trump Campaign Manager Corey Lewandowski.

“So, now, we get rid of this eyesore and the people know they can’t come here anymore, ok. you come here and you’re back on the boat, believe me. but, the boats you go home in will be massive, gorgeous beautiful yachts. not those little boats you see people coming up from cuba in, ok. And, France will pay for that, too.”

Republicans Are About to Care About Someone Denied Service.

Republicans, fresh off their Supreme Court victory that has them hype to deny service to LGBTQ folks are about to get very upset at someone denying service to a customer…

womp womp

Currently a proxy war is being waged on the Online Review Presence of the Red Hen, according to The Hill. But, at the very least we learned that there is at least one consequence for lying to the American people and running a propaganda campaign on ’em. Should there be more consequences for Sarah Huckabee Sanders’ bullshit? Absolutely. But, you have to start somewhere.

Also, it’s incredible that this woman would drop a tweet essentially saying sic ’em to the MAGA hats while saying she does her best to treat people respectfully. So, according to Sarah Huckabee Sanders, her best is inciting what will surely be a barrage of vile comments directed at a business owner.

Donald J. Trump Wins Second Nobel Peace Prize (BACK TO BACK) for Solving Immigration Hostage Crisis of his Own Creation.

Previously on: Donald J. Trump wins a Nobel Peace Prize, our fearless leader single-handledly allowed for every American to finally sleep safe and not in fear of North Korea launching a nuclear weapon that would fizzle out in the Pacific Ocean. 

What a day for peace, folks. Let’s catch you up to speed. Previously, Donald J. Trump had taken multiple policy steps which led to a situation at the border where authorities were separating children from their families. This was a move that could only be envied by the Devil himself, as Trump quickly made it clear that the children were taken as hostages in his on-going effort to get “comprehensive” immigration reform. Also known as: “a fucking wall”.

My man Donnie was a straight up menace. With zero remorse. This is Zero Tolerance, folks. His man Stephen Miller was hype. “Dream come true,” he likely thought to himself as he listened to the horrifying Pro Publica recording. You had Trump’s right hand for a few minutes until he proved too much of an idiot, Corey Lewandowski, out there dropping laugh tracks at the mention of a 10-year-old with down syndrome being placed in a Cage. Although, Michael Cohen, surprisingly, draws the line at Baby Jails, citing the policy in his resignation from some kind of RNC position.

And, yet, pretty much everyone in Society asked one simple question over and over: Why the fuck would we possibly do this?

Someone had to step up and end this. To which, Donald thought, why not go Back-to-Back.  Today, he secured another Nobel Peace Prize.

“We’re going to have strong, very strong borders but we are going to keep the families together,” Mr. Trump said as he signed the order at the Resolute Desk in the Oval Office. “I didn’t like the sight or the feeling of families being separated.”

The order said that officials will continue to criminally prosecute everyone who crosses the border illegally, but will seek to find or build facilities that can hold families — parents and children together — instead of separating them while their legal cases are considered by the courts.

Source: New York Times

Have you seen hostage negotiations like this before? Maybe from Denzel in Inside Man. But, no, Trump took a long look at the man in the mirror and while he didn’t say, “that man is a monster why would he do this” and instead inexplicably thought, “believe me I can be the conquering hero” he at least went out and ended this bullshit.

So, Congratulations to Donald J. Trump. He engineered a situation in which children would be shockingly removed from their parents, only to step up and declare an end* to the Hostage Crisis before blowing up the building.

Trump got the drink in him going baaaaack to back.

*end is relative. This executive order is more than likely another lie.

Nut-Job Conservatives Now Would Like to Change the Immigration Debate to Asking What the Fuck a Cage Is…

Screenshot_2018-06-18-08-50-51.png

Imagine looking at that picture and thinking, I need to speak up about this injustice. And, then, smashing out that headline.

Conservatives/The Right/Republicans/Trump Sycophants/Whatever You Would Like to Call Them, worked very hard this weekend to try and confuse the issue regarding the Trump administrations Immigration policy that has led to Trump Camps along our borders. Trump Camps consisting of Trump Cages. Which, hopefully, will go the way of most Trump Products…gone before most even knew they existed.

The Stance of the Administration on the Separation policy is essentially this:

Continue reading “Nut-Job Conservatives Now Would Like to Change the Immigration Debate to Asking What the Fuck a Cage Is…”

Kim Jong Un Easily Defeats Donald Trump in Game 1 in Singapore

Game 1 of the Trump vs. Kim NBA Finals was last night in Singapore (NBA = Nuclear Batshit Alliance), and Kim Jong Un came away with a lopsided victory, with more meetings in the series to come…………maybe.

coinThe fact that Trump and Kim met at all on the date that was originally scheduled is more than surreal after the meeting was abruptly called off (and then on again) after a May lovers’ quarrel threatened to derail everything. But meet they did; and for those who like gawking at bad accidents as they slowly drive by, the Singapore summit did not disappoint. It also saved an opportunity for Trump to make some ice cream truck money by selling commemorative coins.

And boy, is there ever a lot to commemorate. Kim went from being a reclusive backwater dictator to being a reclusive backwater dictator who earned the praise of the President of the United States on an international stage. You think Trudeau, Merkel, and Macron want a piece of that action? You’re damn right they do. But they’re losers who don’t appreciate the art of the deal and don’t understand that you don’t negotiate with weak sauce such as “century-old alliances” or “objective facts”.

The summit started off spectacularly, with The Donald making a funny that was worthy of another top leader, paper products titan Michael Scott:

And it was all smooth sailing after that, as I imagine it went something like this, with George Costanza filling in for Trump and Newman standing in for Kim Jong Un:

 

George walks into Jerry’s apartment, trench coat open, hat in hand and a sly smile on his face.

Jerry: You look awfully pleased with yourself today. You finally get a positive answer from that girl you’ve been asking to go out with you for the last three weeks?

George: (smirking) You’d like to think that, wouldn’t you? But this is better.

Jerry: (sips coffee) Better? What could possibly be better than a nice young lady getting to spend time with the likes of you? Come oooon, out with it already.

George: Get this. I talked to Newman today. Down in Little Singapore.

Jerry: Aaaaaand?

George: We made a deal.

Jerry: Oh no. Don’t tell me…

George: Now hold on, let me explain.

Jerry: (condescending nod) Explain away.

George: Get this. He promised to stop doing nuclear stuff…

Jerry: OK.

George: …so I agreed to stop doing military exercises on his doorstep to prevent him from killing my lady friend.

Jerry: I gotta say George, I’m impressed. This really sounds promising. So what exactly did he say he’d do to make sure he doesn’t keep doing the nuclear stuff?

George, waffling: He…he made a promise.

Jerry: (swings fist and grits teeth) Newman!! He made a promise. Did he say anything else? Is there any way to verify he’s actually going to do this? Benchmarks? Inspections? This is Newman we’re talking about. Did he agree to do anything at all to allow you to verify this actually happens?! 

George: It’s fine. I declared victory. (sips water and sits down self-satisfied on Jerry’s couch)

Jerry: You declared victory. (stares in disbelief, shakes his head and smiles) Well – I’d hate to be your lady friend.

***Commercial Break***

So there you have it. Kim Jong Un won the game decisively, coming away with an end to joint U.S.-South Korea military exercises in exchange for a vague promise that amounts to basically nothing. But it was a win at the post-game press conference for both Trump and Kim after the game, with both declaring victory and nothing but effusive praise to go around.

For his part, Trump had this to say: “We both want to do something. We both are going to do something. And we have developed a very special bond,” also adding that “People are going to be very impressed. People are going to be very happy.”

People are going to be happy, indeed. A friendship between despots and the end of American military influence in Asia is always a heartwarming story. Well, to new super best friends Donald Trump and Kim Jong Un, anyway. Don’t get too jealous, Germany and Canada. Maybe think about leaving the no fun details at home and instead bring the golf clubs and friendship to the G7 next time.