Jill Stein Was The Most Powerful Democrat in 2016

Jill Stein was the most powerful Democrat in 2016. It’s a true story – that is, if all those whiny Hillary fanbois and girls are to be believed.

People are overly fixated on Jill Stein voters right now. It may have something to do with the fact that Justice Kennedy just retired, which will allow the Chief Cheeto to appoint another conservative Supreme Court Justice, definitively banking the Court on a hard right turn and bringing about the dawn of the Republic of Gilead (that’s a Handmaid’s Tale reference for you illiterate folk out there).

So obviously, if Trump hadn’t won the 2016 election, we wouldn’t be staring down the barrel of the Supreme Court potentially erasing the last 70+ years of Constitutional jurisprudence. Of course, this assumes that Senator McConnell won’t extend the courtesy of holding a confirmation vote after midterm elections, just as he held up the Merrick Garland nomination until Trump was elected. I’m not sure why people assume he wouldn’t maintain civility….hold on, I’m now remembering that he already done told us he’s going to ram the nomination through.

Related:

So naturally, tolerant Hillary sycophants were in a tizzy all over Twitter and Facebook last night, yelling as loud as they could into the virtual void.

Examples:

Yikes. It’s true that if nobody voted for Jill Stein and instead voted for Hillary, it would have swung the election. Trump would not be President right now. But just as with a single bad flag in football that could have swung the outcome, there are a lot of other things that could have too.

People could contemplate the fact that oh, I don’t know. Hillary could have like, ran a campaign to win instead of running a hubris-fueled campaign to not lose. The DNC could have not fucked with their own primary in ways that pissed off a lot of Democratic voters. Perhaps nominating someone who’s the subject of a highly polarizing scandal – legitimate or not (it was a farcical kangaroo court/show trial) is not the best strategy to win an election. Perhaps Hillary could have had more than ZERO ground game in Michigan and actually tried to engage voters. Just some thoughts. That is to say, yes she would be a million times better than Trump as President. She should have been President. The point is that fixating a bunch of vitriol on the severely misguided Stein voters is a bit well…pointless.

Don’t even get me started on blaming all Bernie supporters for being ridiculous Bernie Bros or the 1% who went for Stein. The overwhelming majority of Bernie voters backed Hillary in the general election. There were a few nut jobs who were disproportionately vocal about switching to Stein. And if all the Bernie lovers just stayed home, Hillary would have had 20+% of the vote. So get out of here with that garbage.

Isn’t this 2018? And fools are still relitigating the 2016 election? Meanwhile, traditional, stodgy Democratic Party stalwarts are bemoaning the fact that highly progressive candidates in both New York and Nebraska won their Congressional primary, as if they expected all the progressive energy generated by Bernie two years ago would simply go away. As if real, working class people wouldn’t love universal health care, a living wage, greater equality, and a host of other things that would drastically improve their lives.

Anyway, Jill Stein was clearly the most powerful Democrat in 2016 by Democrats’ own twitter admissions. Sad!

Say, what’s Robert Mueller up to these days, anyway?

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United States Arranges for Return of Statue of Liberty to France

Back in the late 1800s some dude in France decided that America was worthy of a gift of Liberty to enlighten the World. Those arriving in the United States looked to the Statue and held a belief that they could prove their worth in America, or, otherwise, escape the perils of the Country they were coming from.

“Today, the Statue of Liberty is returning to France, ok. We are going to break it down, put it in boxes, and tell them to take it back,” President Trump said in a tweet, intermingling fluidly the announcement on the Statue with his tweets enraged about Harley Davidson. “And, France is going to pay for the shipping costs, believe me.”

Many in America were taken aback at the announcement. Sure, people thought, America at the moment does not embody the ideals of the Statue, but, it seems like kind of an arduous ordeal to remove the entire Statue. Stephen Miller addressed this in a memo on the policy choice:

Many people from the World around look at Lady Liberty in a way that disgusts me. They think of the Statue as a sign of Hope. That America is a place that will be accepting, tolerant. Tell me, why would we want the poor? We work hard as a country to already establish that many of our people are poor. The tired? The huddled masses? The masses are tired and huddled for a reason. Because they are not winners, as Mr. Trump would say. Send us homeless? How dare you.

Today, we say no more.

The decision comes on the same day that the Supreme Court upheld the Muslim Travel Ban instituted in 2017 by Donald Trump and on the heels of Trump’s proclamation of giving zero fucks about due process as it relates to those seeking Asylum in America.

Sarah Huckabee Sanders was not available for comment as she was fielding phone calls from Irish and Italian Restaurants canceling reservations she may or may not have set. But, fortunately, the President does not stop ranting and had more comments:

“Believe me, did we need this thing? Have you been to it? It’s ugly. If we are going to have a Lady welcome people to New York, believe me, she needs to be gorgeous, ok. And this Statue?”

“woof woof” chimed in former Trump Campaign Manager Corey Lewandowski.

“So, now, we get rid of this eyesore and the people know they can’t come here anymore, ok. you come here and you’re back on the boat, believe me. but, the boats you go home in will be massive, gorgeous beautiful yachts. not those little boats you see people coming up from cuba in, ok. And, France will pay for that, too.”

Kim Jong Un Easily Defeats Donald Trump in Game 1 in Singapore

Game 1 of the Trump vs. Kim NBA Finals was last night in Singapore (NBA = Nuclear Batshit Alliance), and Kim Jong Un came away with a lopsided victory, with more meetings in the series to come…………maybe.

coinThe fact that Trump and Kim met at all on the date that was originally scheduled is more than surreal after the meeting was abruptly called off (and then on again) after a May lovers’ quarrel threatened to derail everything. But meet they did; and for those who like gawking at bad accidents as they slowly drive by, the Singapore summit did not disappoint. It also saved an opportunity for Trump to make some ice cream truck money by selling commemorative coins.

And boy, is there ever a lot to commemorate. Kim went from being a reclusive backwater dictator to being a reclusive backwater dictator who earned the praise of the President of the United States on an international stage. You think Trudeau, Merkel, and Macron want a piece of that action? You’re damn right they do. But they’re losers who don’t appreciate the art of the deal and don’t understand that you don’t negotiate with weak sauce such as “century-old alliances” or “objective facts”.

The summit started off spectacularly, with The Donald making a funny that was worthy of another top leader, paper products titan Michael Scott:

And it was all smooth sailing after that, as I imagine it went something like this, with George Costanza filling in for Trump and Newman standing in for Kim Jong Un:

 

George walks into Jerry’s apartment, trench coat open, hat in hand and a sly smile on his face.

Jerry: You look awfully pleased with yourself today. You finally get a positive answer from that girl you’ve been asking to go out with you for the last three weeks?

George: (smirking) You’d like to think that, wouldn’t you? But this is better.

Jerry: (sips coffee) Better? What could possibly be better than a nice young lady getting to spend time with the likes of you? Come oooon, out with it already.

George: Get this. I talked to Newman today. Down in Little Singapore.

Jerry: Aaaaaand?

George: We made a deal.

Jerry: Oh no. Don’t tell me…

George: Now hold on, let me explain.

Jerry: (condescending nod) Explain away.

George: Get this. He promised to stop doing nuclear stuff…

Jerry: OK.

George: …so I agreed to stop doing military exercises on his doorstep to prevent him from killing my lady friend.

Jerry: I gotta say George, I’m impressed. This really sounds promising. So what exactly did he say he’d do to make sure he doesn’t keep doing the nuclear stuff?

George, waffling: He…he made a promise.

Jerry: (swings fist and grits teeth) Newman!! He made a promise. Did he say anything else? Is there any way to verify he’s actually going to do this? Benchmarks? Inspections? This is Newman we’re talking about. Did he agree to do anything at all to allow you to verify this actually happens?! 

George: It’s fine. I declared victory. (sips water and sits down self-satisfied on Jerry’s couch)

Jerry: You declared victory. (stares in disbelief, shakes his head and smiles) Well – I’d hate to be your lady friend.

***Commercial Break***

So there you have it. Kim Jong Un won the game decisively, coming away with an end to joint U.S.-South Korea military exercises in exchange for a vague promise that amounts to basically nothing. But it was a win at the post-game press conference for both Trump and Kim after the game, with both declaring victory and nothing but effusive praise to go around.

For his part, Trump had this to say: “We both want to do something. We both are going to do something. And we have developed a very special bond,” also adding that “People are going to be very impressed. People are going to be very happy.”

People are going to be happy, indeed. A friendship between despots and the end of American military influence in Asia is always a heartwarming story. Well, to new super best friends Donald Trump and Kim Jong Un, anyway. Don’t get too jealous, Germany and Canada. Maybe think about leaving the no fun details at home and instead bring the golf clubs and friendship to the G7 next time.

 

Introducing the G3.5

Over the weekend, President Trump attended and then left early from the G7 summit in Canada. He pouted over the lack of Russian inclusion and then took off to attend a Summit with his new pal who will not shake his hand as hard as French President Emmanuel Macron did.

The result of this Summit? Well, we have an advance copy of the White House memo at the conclusion of the Summit:

FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE:

From the Desk of the President of the United States,

Today, it is my great honor to announce that the result of Summit in Singapore has led to a new G. The G 3.5. I looked the G7 losers in the eye and asked them where Russia was. Believe me, they had no answers. So, I folded my arms, flew across the Globe and we got things done. You can not have Gs without Russia. 

Canada, let me say this, has a lot of sass for a Nation smaller than Rhode Island in “usable land”. People are telling me, Donald, you should annex Toronto. I’ve thought about it, certainly, I think about all the best ideas. And, I don’t know, what do you think? Should we bring Toronto into America? Believe me, People are saying we should do it. And, Trudeau, he is so weak, he doesn’t belong in the Gs. I said to him, Justin, I will take Toronto, ok? And, he just kind of chuckled. What a weak, weak, man. He gave me Toronto! He said, take it! I told him I don’t want it. Ok.

Now…

The New G3.5 aka “The Best G” consists of only powerhouse Nations. The United States, Russia…excuse me, Mother Russia as they like to be referred, North Korea and also South Korea. South Korea is the half. They said, “no no this is a bad idea,” and I said, believe me, it’s the best idea, ok? And, they said no. So, then Vladimir stared at them and they still said no.

Sometimes you just have to grab them and pull them close and say, you’re with me. So, we did that. South Korea is the half. Maybe we’ll let them get full membership when they stop whining about being taken hostage to this deal. But, I don’t know, I like the ring of 3.5 G’s. 

The G 3.5 represents 63% of Global Net Wealth and 47% of Gross Domestic Product. Believe me, that is a lot of GDP. Further, The G 3.5 has already produced jobs. Jobs for AMERICA. OK. Not jobs for Canada. American jobs. Thousands of them. Already. Millions of Dollars right into the coffers of America. Overnight. Something the G7 has never done. The G 3.5 is about trade that benefits America. This is a fantastic deal. Is it the BEST deal? Of course. I asked Lou Dobbs.

Thank Me,

 

Donald J. Trump

President (WOW)

What if Trump Talked NBA?

Everyone knows The Donald is a fan of the NFL, famously hanging out in Patriots owner Robert Kraft’s owner’s box while his hair blew around in the wind. It doesn’t seem like Trump likes the NBA all that much. But we do know 1) that President Obama was a big basketball fan, and 2) that President Trump’s favorite hobby is destroying Obama’s Presidential legacy. Keeping that in mind, have I ever spoken to President Trump? Fuck no. But this is what I imagine it might be like if I sat down to have a chat about the NBA with the leader of the free world.

Broken Record Benji: Good Afternoon, Mr. President.

The Donald: Good Afternoon, Benji. You know, I gotta say I’m pretty busy putting America first at the G7 right now, but I always welcome the chance to sit down with you and set the record straight about your bad ideas.

Broken Record Benji: Great, let’s start with…

The Donald: And prove that I know more about basketball than Obama. He liked basketball a lot, you know. A little too much if you ask me. Because he spent every day – and this is true – he spent every single day of his Presidency doing nothing but watching basketball and playing golf. That’s why it was such a failure of a Presidency.

Broken Record Benji: Legacy aside, because I’d like to stay away from politics and stick to basketball….

The Donald: Great idea, Benji. You’re full of bad ideas, but that’s actually a good one to be fair. And I am a fair President, by the way. Fairest President in history. Just look at how many people I’ve pardoned. But it’s great to stick to sports instead of politics because you see these guys in the NFL kneeling and disrespecting our flag. Disrespecting our military. And it’s a bad look. It’s a bad look for me, it’s a bad look for you, and it’s disrespectful to all of us. So I’d like to congratulate the NBA on sticking to basketball instead of politics. Do you see any NBA players kneeling during the anthem? That’s because…

Continue reading “What if Trump Talked NBA?”

What Would Happen If Donald Trump DID Shoot James Comey?

Donald Trump once said, “I could stand in the middle of 5th Avenue and shoot somebody and I wouldn’t lose voters.” Rudy Giuliani this weekend said, “If he shot James Comey, he’d be impeached the next day.” Sure seems like a metaphor those guys kick around all the time. But, it makes you think…what IF Donald Trump DID happen to shoot James Comey. We take you live…to CNN…

Don Lemon: Interesting day in Washington today. We are going to take you right now to a clip from the White House Press Briefing Room. Just a moment ago.

Jim Acosta: Why did President Trump shoot James Comey?

Sarah Huckabee Sanders: We can not at this time confirm that President Trump shot James Comey.

Acosta: There is a video that has already been played over and over that shows President Trump shooting James Comey.

Sanders: This is a tiring line of questions, Jim, and we are going to end the questions with that since you folks can not control yourselves. I will say this, however, President Trump is an honorable man. If he shot James Comey, then the question that you all refuse to ask, but should ask, is what did James Comey do to deserve getting shot? Will you ask that Jim?

Acosta: What did James Comey do to deserve to get shot?

Sanders: Who shot James Comey? This is the first I am hearing of it.

Cut back to Don Lemon in the Studio.

Don Lemon: So, certainly a night that may go down in American history, but, also, a night that we may forget about in a few days because of all the other crazy things that will certainly happen. We have our panel with us to speak about this matter. Let me introduce you guys.

CNNPanel

LemonSmall

Lemon: First, we have Rick Santorum. All around stand up guy who has never had crazy opinions that have made us say, “why the hell do people give him the time of day to talk about the issues”. Next, he is an American Singer-Songwriter, guitarist and activist: Ted Nugent. Then, from being a Judge, we have Judge Reinhold. Next, we have a pair of lawyers who have both represented Donald Trump: Rudy Giuliani and Michael Cohen.

PrisonMikeSmall

Michael Cohen: That’s Prison Mike, Officially.

LemonSmall

Excuse me?

RudySmall

Giuliani: Oh, geez, it’s a silly little bit the guy does. He puts on a bandana and colors in a couple prison tattoos and thinks he is a badass.

PrisonMikeSmall

AM a badass.

LemonSmall

Ok, Prison Mike, Welcome to the panel.

PrisonMikeSmall

yo ok happy to be here. I would like my fee to be paid in a timely manner, or I’ll be back around with the baseball bat, capiche?

Continue reading “What Would Happen If Donald Trump DID Shoot James Comey?”

A Canadian Sasquatch Takes on American Politics

Broken Record Benji is friends with some Sasquatches in various places – Canada, the Pacific Northwest, Michigan’s Upper Peninsula, etc. He caught up with one of his Canadian ‘Squatch buddies who’s pretty into American politics and asked him to write a guest piece for SlipperyJimComey.com. He agreed, and this is the Sasquatch’s hot take. His name isn’t given because he doesn’t like the publicity (duh).

Y’all, America has a snowflake problem. And no, I’m not talking about that spoiled little brat, Kylo Ren. Nor is it the feminist nephew you felt like punching at your last family Thanksgiving. It’s not even snow accumulation due to a polar vortex, and it doesn’t mean global warming is fake news. As a matter of fact, the joke’s on you because I don’t even trifle with such bitch-ass pettiness when it comes to political power dynamics.

Though for the record, those Trump loving sycophants who couldn’t parse a multi-clause sentence if their life depended on it definitely get triggered pretty easily when you call them on their bullshit. So if anyone’s a snowflake, it’s them. Not that I’m overly concerned about ignorant lickspittles trolling the internet. Unfortunately, those bigoted F-star-star cunts are allowed to vote. But I digress.

No, no. The stakes are much higher than some fucktard posting a Pepe the Frog meme. I don’t give a shit about who “snowflake’d” whom on the internet. Shit’s gettin’ real, ya know what I mean?

You got Herr Drumpf separating immigrant children from their families, which makes America look like our white trash neighbors to the south, and it really decreases Canada’s property value. You got the Cheeto in Chief placing tariffs on Canadian commodities, which forced Prime Minister Trudeau to pimp slap the President and remind him who runs North America. And you got America’s Congress robbing the working classes to give to the rich.

Donny Twitter is bad at a lot of things, but he knows how to throw his weight around and take every inch of influence he’s given through passivity. Democratic leadership needs to stop being as soft and silent as a delightful snowflake floating delicately and deliciously onto my outstretched tongue in the middle of the Yukon Territory.

Continue reading “A Canadian Sasquatch Takes on American Politics”