Catching Up With Robert E. Lee

I was walking back to the DC office today, contemplating fake news and time travel. I was about to peep the President’s latest tweets when suddenly, somebody spit chew at my feet and asked “Yer one of them fake news reporters with a liberal agenda, ain’tcha?”. I was about to respond “Well, actually…” when I looked up and there he was: General Robert E. Lee. When he belted out “Whatchu lookin’ at, snowflake? Quit yer cuckin’ & get on with it,” I knew I had no time to beat around the bush. I invited him for some conversation and whiskey. This is that conversation.

Wow, General Lee, thanks for taking the time to sit down with me today.

23711356-455E-442F-969E-5C5E251F5846 Likewise. I can tolerate the company of a man who appreciates a good whiskey. Even if you are a snowflake. And even if it is an Irish instead of a nice southern bourbon or Tennessee sour mash.

Oh, I love me some good bourbon. You can believe that. At least it’s not that weak Canadian shit.

23711356-455E-442F-969E-5C5E251F5846 Hoooooo boy, you got that right! *clink*

Damn straight. So tell me, General, how’s it going these days? What’s it like for you to experience all the 21st century has to offer?

23711356-455E-442F-969E-5C5E251F5846 Well, it’s been an adjustment, to be honest. But things are looking better and better.

How so?

23711356-455E-442F-969E-5C5E251F5846Well, some of my statues have been destroyed, and I was at the DMV the other day tryin’ to get my horsepower machine license or whatever you call it. I waited in line for more than 2 hours. I said ma’am do you know who I am? And she just didn’t get it. Asked if I was a part-time Santa Claus or somethin’. And I had one eye half-open when she took mah picture. I looked like a goddamn pirate. But other’n that, things are good. Things are good. Take technology for instance. I binge watch all the Civil War stuff on Netflix even if they don’t get it half right and I can’t remember my password half the time. And I constantly get called a Russian bot on Twitter, whatever that means. But I got retweeted five times by the President. So I guess you could say things are lookin’ up fer me.

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Our Schools Need New Entrances to Save Children. These Are Those Doors.

Yesterday, a school shooting took place in [insert city name]. And, interestingly, a GOP politician stood up to say that part of the problem was too many [______________]…Can you guess the blank?! Was it a. Guns; b. GUNS c. GODDAMN GUNS; or d. Entrances.

Well, if you said D…drop the confetti because yeah, he went there.

“There are too many entrances and too many exits to our over 8,000 campuses,” Patrick said. “There aren’t enough people to put a guard at every entry and exit.”

Source: Everywhere, but this morning I choose Vox.

It was a bold statement. The audacity of the pivot. The armed guards line just not quite working, so, let me find the right place to lay this blame.

But, you know what, I am open-minded to a fault. So, I came up with some solutions within the context of the nonsense that these shootings are happening based on having too many damn entrances. Let’s do it.

  • Exclusive Nightclub Un-Marked Door

No Shooters getting in here, folks, only the cool kids.

  • Revolving Door

revolving door

Revolving Doors are the worst. I’ve also been told that I think this due to my social anxiety because…WHY THE HELL IS THIS GUY GETTING IN THIS DOOR WITH ME. And, in any event, when the shooter hops in the revolving door, 3 other kids will too, and then the shooter will panic, and next thing you know: he’s on the outside of the school again. Rinse and Repeat.

Continue reading “Our Schools Need New Entrances to Save Children. These Are Those Doors.”

Oliver North’s NRA Initiatives Memo

We here at Slippery Jim Comey were able to get an advance copy of new NRA President Oliver North’s Initiatives Memo. The Memo outlines the vision that Oliver North has for the Organization. North is off to a fast start at the NRA, already labeling activists from Parkland as “civil terrorists”. How did we get this memo? Probably the same way Michael Avenatti keeps coming up with the Michael Cohen goods on Twitter. But, we don’t know how he’s doing that, so, we are kind of at a loss for how this turned up:

Dear Enthusiasts,

I am pleased to hear so many positive responses already to my comments about the real terrorists: those whose friends have died at the hands of gun violence. These are trying times, and, we must stick together. The gun is the tie that binds us, but, we are more than just gun owners. My desire as President of this organization is to continue the things we are good at: scaring people into belief that there is a culture war unfolding and that we all need guns to protect ourselves from those in the inner city. While also building on those qualities.

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