Introducing the G3.5

Over the weekend, President Trump attended and then left early from the G7 summit in Canada. He pouted over the lack of Russian inclusion and then took off to attend a Summit with his new pal who will not shake his hand as hard as French President Emmanuel Macron did.

The result of this Summit? Well, we have an advance copy of the White House memo at the conclusion of the Summit:

FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE:

From the Desk of the President of the United States,

Today, it is my great honor to announce that the result of Summit in Singapore has led to a new G. The G 3.5. I looked the G7 losers in the eye and asked them where Russia was. Believe me, they had no answers. So, I folded my arms, flew across the Globe and we got things done. You can not have Gs without Russia. 

Canada, let me say this, has a lot of sass for a Nation smaller than Rhode Island in “usable land”. People are telling me, Donald, you should annex Toronto. I’ve thought about it, certainly, I think about all the best ideas. And, I don’t know, what do you think? Should we bring Toronto into America? Believe me, People are saying we should do it. And, Trudeau, he is so weak, he doesn’t belong in the Gs. I said to him, Justin, I will take Toronto, ok? And, he just kind of chuckled. What a weak, weak, man. He gave me Toronto! He said, take it! I told him I don’t want it. Ok.

Now…

The New G3.5 aka “The Best G” consists of only powerhouse Nations. The United States, Russia…excuse me, Mother Russia as they like to be referred, North Korea and also South Korea. South Korea is the half. They said, “no no this is a bad idea,” and I said, believe me, it’s the best idea, ok? And, they said no. So, then Vladimir stared at them and they still said no.

Sometimes you just have to grab them and pull them close and say, you’re with me. So, we did that. South Korea is the half. Maybe we’ll let them get full membership when they stop whining about being taken hostage to this deal. But, I don’t know, I like the ring of 3.5 G’s. 

The G 3.5 represents 63% of Global Net Wealth and 47% of Gross Domestic Product. Believe me, that is a lot of GDP. Further, The G 3.5 has already produced jobs. Jobs for AMERICA. OK. Not jobs for Canada. American jobs. Thousands of them. Already. Millions of Dollars right into the coffers of America. Overnight. Something the G7 has never done. The G 3.5 is about trade that benefits America. This is a fantastic deal. Is it the BEST deal? Of course. I asked Lou Dobbs.

Thank Me,

 

Donald J. Trump

President (WOW)

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What if Trump Talked NBA?

Everyone knows The Donald is a fan of the NFL, famously hanging out in Patriots owner Robert Kraft’s owner’s box while his hair blew around in the wind. It doesn’t seem like Trump likes the NBA all that much. But we do know 1) that President Obama was a big basketball fan, and 2) that President Trump’s favorite hobby is destroying Obama’s Presidential legacy. Keeping that in mind, have I ever spoken to President Trump? Fuck no. But this is what I imagine it might be like if I sat down to have a chat about the NBA with the leader of the free world.

Broken Record Benji: Good Afternoon, Mr. President.

The Donald: Good Afternoon, Benji. You know, I gotta say I’m pretty busy putting America first at the G7 right now, but I always welcome the chance to sit down with you and set the record straight about your bad ideas.

Broken Record Benji: Great, let’s start with…

The Donald: And prove that I know more about basketball than Obama. He liked basketball a lot, you know. A little too much if you ask me. Because he spent every day – and this is true – he spent every single day of his Presidency doing nothing but watching basketball and playing golf. That’s why it was such a failure of a Presidency.

Broken Record Benji: Legacy aside, because I’d like to stay away from politics and stick to basketball….

The Donald: Great idea, Benji. You’re full of bad ideas, but that’s actually a good one to be fair. And I am a fair President, by the way. Fairest President in history. Just look at how many people I’ve pardoned. But it’s great to stick to sports instead of politics because you see these guys in the NFL kneeling and disrespecting our flag. Disrespecting our military. And it’s a bad look. It’s a bad look for me, it’s a bad look for you, and it’s disrespectful to all of us. So I’d like to congratulate the NBA on sticking to basketball instead of politics. Do you see any NBA players kneeling during the anthem? That’s because…

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What Would Happen If Donald Trump DID Shoot James Comey?

Donald Trump once said, “I could stand in the middle of 5th Avenue and shoot somebody and I wouldn’t lose voters.” Rudy Giuliani this weekend said, “If he shot James Comey, he’d be impeached the next day.” Sure seems like a metaphor those guys kick around all the time. But, it makes you think…what IF Donald Trump DID happen to shoot James Comey. We take you live…to CNN…

Don Lemon: Interesting day in Washington today. We are going to take you right now to a clip from the White House Press Briefing Room. Just a moment ago.

Jim Acosta: Why did President Trump shoot James Comey?

Sarah Huckabee Sanders: We can not at this time confirm that President Trump shot James Comey.

Acosta: There is a video that has already been played over and over that shows President Trump shooting James Comey.

Sanders: This is a tiring line of questions, Jim, and we are going to end the questions with that since you folks can not control yourselves. I will say this, however, President Trump is an honorable man. If he shot James Comey, then the question that you all refuse to ask, but should ask, is what did James Comey do to deserve getting shot? Will you ask that Jim?

Acosta: What did James Comey do to deserve to get shot?

Sanders: Who shot James Comey? This is the first I am hearing of it.

Cut back to Don Lemon in the Studio.

Don Lemon: So, certainly a night that may go down in American history, but, also, a night that we may forget about in a few days because of all the other crazy things that will certainly happen. We have our panel with us to speak about this matter. Let me introduce you guys.

CNNPanel

LemonSmall

Lemon: First, we have Rick Santorum. All around stand up guy who has never had crazy opinions that have made us say, “why the hell do people give him the time of day to talk about the issues”. Next, he is an American Singer-Songwriter, guitarist and activist: Ted Nugent. Then, from being a Judge, we have Judge Reinhold. Next, we have a pair of lawyers who have both represented Donald Trump: Rudy Giuliani and Michael Cohen.

PrisonMikeSmall

Michael Cohen: That’s Prison Mike, Officially.

LemonSmall

Excuse me?

RudySmall

Giuliani: Oh, geez, it’s a silly little bit the guy does. He puts on a bandana and colors in a couple prison tattoos and thinks he is a badass.

PrisonMikeSmall

AM a badass.

LemonSmall

Ok, Prison Mike, Welcome to the panel.

PrisonMikeSmall

yo ok happy to be here. I would like my fee to be paid in a timely manner, or I’ll be back around with the baseball bat, capiche?

Continue reading “What Would Happen If Donald Trump DID Shoot James Comey?”

Some Dude at National Review Wrote Over 1500 Words About His Lack of Understanding of a Guilty Plea

Dearly beloved, we are gathered here today to honor the memory of our friend Spy-Gate. In his 2 weeks of life, many often confused him with the other Spy-Gate, the Spy-Gate that still turns the stomach of New Englanders, and is ever eternal. No, the Spy-Gate we celebrate today, who died too young, and yet lived for too long, was the tale of a confidential informant placed in the Trump campaign by the FBI because of the campaigns love of associating with dudes with shady pasts. Spy-Gate was too pure for this world. Spy-Gate brought about envy from even the craziest of crazy, Trey Gowdy. And, when Benghazi-Trey declared there was nothing to Spy-Gate, well, it is time for Conservatives to bury Spy-Gate, for there are more and more terrible thoughts to be had to move the ball further away from the truth.

And, Andrew C. McCarthy of the National Review will take up the mantle.

He begins:

Congress should be taking a very hard look at the prosecution of George Papadopoulos. To these eyes, the harder one looks, the more the Papadopoulos case appears to be much ado about nothing. That is no small thing: The “much ado” here is a purported Trump–Russia conspiracy to subvert a presidential election.

And, with that, McCarthy leads us away from one conspiracy and into the smoldering remains of last fall’s moment in the sun for one George Papadopolous, eager to find a new conspiracy among the ashes.

What he has found, instead, was 1500+ words on his inability to understand the nature of a Guilty Plea.

There has always been something fishy about the charge filed by Special Counsel Robert Mueller against Papadopoulos, who was a green-as-grass 28-year-old when he made the big primary-season move from Ben Carson–campaign novice to Trump-campaign novice.

Here’s a spoiler alert on the Trump campaign: they used a lot of “green-as-grass” types including the “green-as-grass-yet-orange-as-a-kumquat” Presidential candidate they worked for. But, I am sure Mr. McCarthy will elucidate that something fishy…

Peruse the “Statement of the Offense,” filed by Mueller’s lead prosecutor on the case, Jeannie S. Rhee (who is fresh from a stint representing the Clinton Foundation — and donating $5,400 to the Hillary Clinton campaign). You find that there is collusion with Russia pouring off every one of the document’s 13 pages — meetings with shadowy figures portrayed as Kremlin operatives, apparent schemes to undermine Mrs. Clinton, ambitious plans for pow-wows between candidate Trump and strongman Putin.

Interesting, so, the something fishy found here by Mr. McCarthy is that George Papadopolous was charged by a probe investigating Russian involvement and he believes that collusion with Russia poured off the pages? Hmmm, very fishy indeed. It’s almost as if the Statement of Offense is attempting to create a narrative surrounding their underlying investigation. Some consider that the purpose of a Statement of Offense. The defense, of course, has an opportunity to counter that. McCarthy, on the other hand, is at a loss for the meaning of anything at all.

Continue reading “Some Dude at National Review Wrote Over 1500 Words About His Lack of Understanding of a Guilty Plea”

A Canadian Sasquatch Takes on American Politics

Broken Record Benji is friends with some Sasquatches in various places – Canada, the Pacific Northwest, Michigan’s Upper Peninsula, etc. He caught up with one of his Canadian ‘Squatch buddies who’s pretty into American politics and asked him to write a guest piece for SlipperyJimComey.com. He agreed, and this is the Sasquatch’s hot take. His name isn’t given because he doesn’t like the publicity (duh).

Y’all, America has a snowflake problem. And no, I’m not talking about that spoiled little brat, Kylo Ren. Nor is it the feminist nephew you felt like punching at your last family Thanksgiving. It’s not even snow accumulation due to a polar vortex, and it doesn’t mean global warming is fake news. As a matter of fact, the joke’s on you because I don’t even trifle with such bitch-ass pettiness when it comes to political power dynamics.

Though for the record, those Trump loving sycophants who couldn’t parse a multi-clause sentence if their life depended on it definitely get triggered pretty easily when you call them on their bullshit. So if anyone’s a snowflake, it’s them. Not that I’m overly concerned about ignorant lickspittles trolling the internet. Unfortunately, those bigoted F-star-star cunts are allowed to vote. But I digress.

No, no. The stakes are much higher than some fucktard posting a Pepe the Frog meme. I don’t give a shit about who “snowflake’d” whom on the internet. Shit’s gettin’ real, ya know what I mean?

You got Herr Drumpf separating immigrant children from their families, which makes America look like our white trash neighbors to the south, and it really decreases Canada’s property value. You got the Cheeto in Chief placing tariffs on Canadian commodities, which forced Prime Minister Trudeau to pimp slap the President and remind him who runs North America. And you got America’s Congress robbing the working classes to give to the rich.

Donny Twitter is bad at a lot of things, but he knows how to throw his weight around and take every inch of influence he’s given through passivity. Democratic leadership needs to stop being as soft and silent as a delightful snowflake floating delicately and deliciously onto my outstretched tongue in the middle of the Yukon Territory.

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The Gold Standard for Political Corruption Might Soon Walk Free.

Donald J. Trump gave a pardon some guy named Dinesh D’Souza today. Who is that? I have no idea. I glanced at the guy’s wikipedia and was bored, so, let’s get down to business:

On Thursday, Trump indicated for the first time he’s been listening. He told reporters aboard Air Force One he is considering commuting Blagojevich’s 14-year prison sentence, which he described as an overly harsh penalty for what essentially amounted to a “foolish statement.”

Source: Chicago Tribune

Maybe Blagojevich shouldn’t get too excited. We all know that Trump is known to be less than truthful on Air Force One. But, Rod and Don go way back to Season 3 of the Celebrity Apprentice. A season that Rod was filming while awaiting Trial for his Political Corruption.

Continue reading “The Gold Standard for Political Corruption Might Soon Walk Free.”

Kim Jong-Un Is Bold. And, I like It.

Currently, the White House is working at salvaging a Summit between Trump and North Korea that Trump originally cancelled because he wanted to pout. The Summit may or may not be back on, but, this is a genuine headline from NBC News:

CIA report says North Korea won’t denuclearize, but might open a burger joint

Source: NBC News

So, basically, this Summit will just be Trump sitting with Kim…Trump will open by asking for denuclearization, and Kim will say, “No, I want a McDonald’s” and Trump will sit there like “believe me, that would be great. But, how about a Wahlburgers?” And, Kim would say no. And, Trump would agree to the McDonald’s instead of denuclearization. The Art of the Deal, folks.

Then, a week later, everyone would be like, “hey, what kind of deal is this?”

And, Trump would rage out on Twitter about how everyone thinks he is an awful deal-maker. But, really he made the ***BEST*** deal because he also got North Korea to take a Wendy’s. And, Kim would go along with it, because, secretly, he wanted a Wendy’s all along, BUT, Trump’s entire dealmaking playbook is “reject their first deal even if it’s the best deal, believe me.”

CAN YOU HANDLE ALL OF THIS WINNING?!