I was walking back to the DC office today, contemplating fake news and time travel. I was about to peep the President’s latest tweets when suddenly, somebody spit chew at my feet and asked “Yer one of them fake news reporters with a liberal agenda, ain’tcha?”. I was about to respond “Well, actually…” when I looked up and there he was: General Robert E. Lee. When he belted out “Whatchu lookin’ at, snowflake? Quit yer cuckin’ & get on with it,” I knew I had no time to beat around the bush. I invited him for some conversation and whiskey. This is that conversation.
Wow, General Lee, thanks for taking the time to sit down with me today.
Likewise. I can tolerate the company of a man who appreciates a good whiskey. Even if you are a snowflake. And even if it is an Irish instead of a nice southern bourbon or Tennessee sour mash.
Oh, I love me some good bourbon. You can believe that. At least it’s not that weak Canadian shit.
Hoooooo boy, you got that right! *clink*
Damn straight. So tell me, General, how’s it going these days? What’s it like for you to experience all the 21st century has to offer?
Well, it’s been an adjustment, to be honest. But things are looking better and better.
Well, some of my statues have been destroyed, and I was at the DMV the other day tryin’ to get my horsepower machine license or whatever you call it. I waited in line for more than 2 hours. I said ma’am do you know who I am? And she just didn’t get it. Asked if I was a part-time Santa Claus or somethin’. And I had one eye half-open when she took mah picture. I looked like a goddamn pirate. But other’n that, things are good. Things are good. Take technology for instance. I binge watch all the Civil War stuff on Netflix even if they don’t get it half right and I can’t remember my password half the time. And I constantly get called a Russian bot on Twitter, whatever that means. But I got retweeted five times by the President. So I guess you could say things are lookin’ up fer me.