Kim Jong Un Easily Defeats Donald Trump in Game 1 in Singapore

Game 1 of the Trump vs. Kim NBA Finals was last night in Singapore (NBA = Nuclear Batshit Alliance), and Kim Jong Un came away with a lopsided victory, with more meetings in the series to come…………maybe.

coinThe fact that Trump and Kim met at all on the date that was originally scheduled is more than surreal after the meeting was abruptly called off (and then on again) after a May lovers’ quarrel threatened to derail everything. But meet they did; and for those who like gawking at bad accidents as they slowly drive by, the Singapore summit did not disappoint. It also saved an opportunity for Trump to make some ice cream truck money by selling commemorative coins.

And boy, is there ever a lot to commemorate. Kim went from being a reclusive backwater dictator to being a reclusive backwater dictator who earned the praise of the President of the United States on an international stage. You think Trudeau, Merkel, and Macron want a piece of that action? You’re damn right they do. But they’re losers who don’t appreciate the art of the deal and don’t understand that you don’t negotiate with weak sauce such as “century-old alliances” or “objective facts”.

The summit started off spectacularly, with The Donald making a funny that was worthy of another top leader, paper products titan Michael Scott:

And it was all smooth sailing after that, as I imagine it went something like this, with George Costanza filling in for Trump and Newman standing in for Kim Jong Un:

 

George walks into Jerry’s apartment, trench coat open, hat in hand and a sly smile on his face.

Jerry: You look awfully pleased with yourself today. You finally get a positive answer from that girl you’ve been asking to go out with you for the last three weeks?

George: (smirking) You’d like to think that, wouldn’t you? But this is better.

Jerry: (sips coffee) Better? What could possibly be better than a nice young lady getting to spend time with the likes of you? Come oooon, out with it already.

George: Get this. I talked to Newman today. Down in Little Singapore.

Jerry: Aaaaaand?

George: We made a deal.

Jerry: Oh no. Don’t tell me…

George: Now hold on, let me explain.

Jerry: (condescending nod) Explain away.

George: Get this. He promised to stop doing nuclear stuff…

Jerry: OK.

George: …so I agreed to stop doing military exercises on his doorstep to prevent him from killing my lady friend.

Jerry: I gotta say George, I’m impressed. This really sounds promising. So what exactly did he say he’d do to make sure he doesn’t keep doing the nuclear stuff?

George, waffling: He…he made a promise.

Jerry: (swings fist and grits teeth) Newman!! He made a promise. Did he say anything else? Is there any way to verify he’s actually going to do this? Benchmarks? Inspections? This is Newman we’re talking about. Did he agree to do anything at all to allow you to verify this actually happens?! 

George: It’s fine. I declared victory. (sips water and sits down self-satisfied on Jerry’s couch)

Jerry: You declared victory. (stares in disbelief, shakes his head and smiles) Well – I’d hate to be your lady friend.

***Commercial Break***

So there you have it. Kim Jong Un won the game decisively, coming away with an end to joint U.S.-South Korea military exercises in exchange for a vague promise that amounts to basically nothing. But it was a win at the post-game press conference for both Trump and Kim after the game, with both declaring victory and nothing but effusive praise to go around.

For his part, Trump had this to say: “We both want to do something. We both are going to do something. And we have developed a very special bond,” also adding that “People are going to be very impressed. People are going to be very happy.”

People are going to be happy, indeed. A friendship between despots and the end of American military influence in Asia is always a heartwarming story. Well, to new super best friends Donald Trump and Kim Jong Un, anyway. Don’t get too jealous, Germany and Canada. Maybe think about leaving the no fun details at home and instead bring the golf clubs and friendship to the G7 next time.

 

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Our Schools Need New Entrances to Save Children. These Are Those Doors.

Yesterday, a school shooting took place in [insert city name]. And, interestingly, a GOP politician stood up to say that part of the problem was too many [______________]…Can you guess the blank?! Was it a. Guns; b. GUNS c. GODDAMN GUNS; or d. Entrances.

Well, if you said D…drop the confetti because yeah, he went there.

“There are too many entrances and too many exits to our over 8,000 campuses,” Patrick said. “There aren’t enough people to put a guard at every entry and exit.”

Source: Everywhere, but this morning I choose Vox.

It was a bold statement. The audacity of the pivot. The armed guards line just not quite working, so, let me find the right place to lay this blame.

But, you know what, I am open-minded to a fault. So, I came up with some solutions within the context of the nonsense that these shootings are happening based on having too many damn entrances. Let’s do it.

  • Exclusive Nightclub Un-Marked Door

No Shooters getting in here, folks, only the cool kids.

  • Revolving Door

revolving door

Revolving Doors are the worst. I’ve also been told that I think this due to my social anxiety because…WHY THE HELL IS THIS GUY GETTING IN THIS DOOR WITH ME. And, in any event, when the shooter hops in the revolving door, 3 other kids will too, and then the shooter will panic, and next thing you know: he’s on the outside of the school again. Rinse and Repeat.

Continue reading “Our Schools Need New Entrances to Save Children. These Are Those Doors.”