Kim Jong Un Easily Defeats Donald Trump in Game 1 in Singapore

Game 1 of the Trump vs. Kim NBA Finals was last night in Singapore (NBA = Nuclear Batshit Alliance), and Kim Jong Un came away with a lopsided victory, with more meetings in the series to come…………maybe.

coinThe fact that Trump and Kim met at all on the date that was originally scheduled is more than surreal after the meeting was abruptly called off (and then on again) after a May lovers’ quarrel threatened to derail everything. But meet they did; and for those who like gawking at bad accidents as they slowly drive by, the Singapore summit did not disappoint. It also saved an opportunity for Trump to make some ice cream truck money by selling commemorative coins.

And boy, is there ever a lot to commemorate. Kim went from being a reclusive backwater dictator to being a reclusive backwater dictator who earned the praise of the President of the United States on an international stage. You think Trudeau, Merkel, and Macron want a piece of that action? You’re damn right they do. But they’re losers who don’t appreciate the art of the deal and don’t understand that you don’t negotiate with weak sauce such as “century-old alliances” or “objective facts”.

The summit started off spectacularly, with The Donald making a funny that was worthy of another top leader, paper products titan Michael Scott:

And it was all smooth sailing after that, as I imagine it went something like this, with George Costanza filling in for Trump and Newman standing in for Kim Jong Un:


George walks into Jerry’s apartment, trench coat open, hat in hand and a sly smile on his face.

Jerry: You look awfully pleased with yourself today. You finally get a positive answer from that girl you’ve been asking to go out with you for the last three weeks?

George: (smirking) You’d like to think that, wouldn’t you? But this is better.

Jerry: (sips coffee) Better? What could possibly be better than a nice young lady getting to spend time with the likes of you? Come oooon, out with it already.

George: Get this. I talked to Newman today. Down in Little Singapore.

Jerry: Aaaaaand?

George: We made a deal.

Jerry: Oh no. Don’t tell me…

George: Now hold on, let me explain.

Jerry: (condescending nod) Explain away.

George: Get this. He promised to stop doing nuclear stuff…

Jerry: OK.

George: …so I agreed to stop doing military exercises on his doorstep to prevent him from killing my lady friend.

Jerry: I gotta say George, I’m impressed. This really sounds promising. So what exactly did he say he’d do to make sure he doesn’t keep doing the nuclear stuff?

George, waffling: He…he made a promise.

Jerry: (swings fist and grits teeth) Newman!! He made a promise. Did he say anything else? Is there any way to verify he’s actually going to do this? Benchmarks? Inspections? This is Newman we’re talking about. Did he agree to do anything at all to allow you to verify this actually happens?! 

George: It’s fine. I declared victory. (sips water and sits down self-satisfied on Jerry’s couch)

Jerry: You declared victory. (stares in disbelief, shakes his head and smiles) Well – I’d hate to be your lady friend.

***Commercial Break***

So there you have it. Kim Jong Un won the game decisively, coming away with an end to joint U.S.-South Korea military exercises in exchange for a vague promise that amounts to basically nothing. But it was a win at the post-game press conference for both Trump and Kim after the game, with both declaring victory and nothing but effusive praise to go around.

For his part, Trump had this to say: “We both want to do something. We both are going to do something. And we have developed a very special bond,” also adding that “People are going to be very impressed. People are going to be very happy.”

People are going to be happy, indeed. A friendship between despots and the end of American military influence in Asia is always a heartwarming story. Well, to new super best friends Donald Trump and Kim Jong Un, anyway. Don’t get too jealous, Germany and Canada. Maybe think about leaving the no fun details at home and instead bring the golf clubs and friendship to the G7 next time.



Kim Jong-Un Is Bold. And, I like It.

Currently, the White House is working at salvaging a Summit between Trump and North Korea that Trump originally cancelled because he wanted to pout. The Summit may or may not be back on, but, this is a genuine headline from NBC News:

CIA report says North Korea won’t denuclearize, but might open a burger joint

Source: NBC News

So, basically, this Summit will just be Trump sitting with Kim…Trump will open by asking for denuclearization, and Kim will say, “No, I want a McDonald’s” and Trump will sit there like “believe me, that would be great. But, how about a Wahlburgers?” And, Kim would say no. And, Trump would agree to the McDonald’s instead of denuclearization. The Art of the Deal, folks.

Then, a week later, everyone would be like, “hey, what kind of deal is this?”

And, Trump would rage out on Twitter about how everyone thinks he is an awful deal-maker. But, really he made the ***BEST*** deal because he also got North Korea to take a Wendy’s. And, Kim would go along with it, because, secretly, he wanted a Wendy’s all along, BUT, Trump’s entire dealmaking playbook is “reject their first deal even if it’s the best deal, believe me.”


Classic North Korea: Threatens to Cancel Meeting with Trump

If there is one sure-fire way to get Trump to cancel any sort of planned event he has with you…it is to threaten to cancel on him. Cancel on me?! I’ll cancel on you first! is what I assume he says to Sean Hannity tonight in their nightly gab session.

In a move no one is surprised about, except maybe the Nobel Peace Prize committee who has already etched Don’s name into the award, North Korea is threatening their peace summit with Donald Trump based on U.S.A. – South Korea joint military exercises.

“The United States will also have to undertake careful deliberations about the fate of the planned North Korea-U.S. summit in light of this provocative military ruckus jointly conducted with the South Korean authorities,” North Korea said.

Source: TheHill

This is one of those moments where everyone who sat around taking a wait and see approach on whether Trump accomplishes anything of substance on North Korea are very excited. Because, yes, past Presidents have gotten hostages released from North Korea, test sites demolished, and kind words of a lessened nuclear arsenal from North Korea. So, maybe folks were right not to declare Trump and Dennis Rodman the greatest diplomats ever.

This is also one of those moments where you wake up at 630a.m. and refresh the hell out of @realdonaldtrump hoping for him to lose his mind over this slight from the North Koreans.

“we didnt need peace in north korea anyway, ok” – Future Donald Trump.