Previously on: Donald J. Trump wins a Nobel Peace Prize, our fearless leader single-handledly allowed for every American to finally sleep safe and not in fear of North Korea launching a nuclear weapon that would fizzle out in the Pacific Ocean.
What a day for peace, folks. Let’s catch you up to speed. Previously, Donald J. Trump had taken multiple policy steps which led to a situation at the border where authorities were separating children from their families. This was a move that could only be envied by the Devil himself, as Trump quickly made it clear that the children were taken as hostages in his on-going effort to get “comprehensive” immigration reform. Also known as: “a fucking wall”.
My man Donnie was a straight up menace. With zero remorse. This is Zero Tolerance, folks. His man Stephen Miller was hype. “Dream come true,” he likely thought to himself as he listened to the horrifying Pro Publica recording. You had Trump’s right hand for a few minutes until he proved too much of an idiot, Corey Lewandowski, out there dropping laugh tracks at the mention of a 10-year-old with down syndrome being placed in a Cage. Although, Michael Cohen, surprisingly, draws the line at Baby Jails, citing the policy in his resignation from some kind of RNC position.
And, yet, pretty much everyone in Society asked one simple question over and over: Why the fuck would we possibly do this?
Someone had to step up and end this. To which, Donald thought, why not go Back-to-Back. Today, he secured another Nobel Peace Prize.
“We’re going to have strong, very strong borders but we are going to keep the families together,” Mr. Trump said as he signed the order at the Resolute Desk in the Oval Office. “I didn’t like the sight or the feeling of families being separated.”
The order said that officials will continue to criminally prosecute everyone who crosses the border illegally, but will seek to find or build facilities that can hold families — parents and children together — instead of separating them while their legal cases are considered by the courts.
Source: New York Times
Have you seen hostage negotiations like this before? Maybe from Denzel in Inside Man. But, no, Trump took a long look at the man in the mirror and while he didn’t say, “that man is a monster why would he do this” and instead inexplicably thought, “believe me I can be the conquering hero” he at least went out and ended this bullshit.
So, Congratulations to Donald J. Trump. He engineered a situation in which children would be shockingly removed from their parents, only to step up and declare an end* to the Hostage Crisis before blowing up the building.
Trump got the drink in him going baaaaack to back.
*end is relative. This executive order is more than likely another lie.