Our Schools Need New Entrances to Save Children. These Are Those Doors.

Yesterday, a school shooting took place in [insert city name]. And, interestingly, a GOP politician stood up to say that part of the problem was too many [______________]…Can you guess the blank?! Was it a. Guns; b. GUNS c. GODDAMN GUNS; or d. Entrances.

Well, if you said D…drop the confetti because yeah, he went there.

“There are too many entrances and too many exits to our over 8,000 campuses,” Patrick said. “There aren’t enough people to put a guard at every entry and exit.”

Source: Everywhere, but this morning I choose Vox.

It was a bold statement. The audacity of the pivot. The armed guards line just not quite working, so, let me find the right place to lay this blame.

But, you know what, I am open-minded to a fault. So, I came up with some solutions within the context of the nonsense that these shootings are happening based on having too many damn entrances. Let’s do it.

  • Exclusive Nightclub Un-Marked Door

No Shooters getting in here, folks, only the cool kids.

  • Revolving Door

revolving door

Revolving Doors are the worst. I’ve also been told that I think this due to my social anxiety because…WHY THE HELL IS THIS GUY GETTING IN THIS DOOR WITH ME. And, in any event, when the shooter hops in the revolving door, 3 other kids will too, and then the shooter will panic, and next thing you know: he’s on the outside of the school again. Rinse and Repeat.

Continue reading “Our Schools Need New Entrances to Save Children. These Are Those Doors.”

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Oliver North’s NRA Initiatives Memo

We here at Slippery Jim Comey were able to get an advance copy of new NRA President Oliver North’s Initiatives Memo. The Memo outlines the vision that Oliver North has for the Organization. North is off to a fast start at the NRA, already labeling activists from Parkland as “civil terrorists”. How did we get this memo? Probably the same way Michael Avenatti keeps coming up with the Michael Cohen goods on Twitter. But, we don’t know how he’s doing that, so, we are kind of at a loss for how this turned up:

Dear Enthusiasts,

I am pleased to hear so many positive responses already to my comments about the real terrorists: those whose friends have died at the hands of gun violence. These are trying times, and, we must stick together. The gun is the tie that binds us, but, we are more than just gun owners. My desire as President of this organization is to continue the things we are good at: scaring people into belief that there is a culture war unfolding and that we all need guns to protect ourselves from those in the inner city. While also building on those qualities.

Continue reading “Oliver North’s NRA Initiatives Memo”