Jill Stein Was The Most Powerful Democrat in 2016

Jill Stein was the most powerful Democrat in 2016. It’s a true story – that is, if all those whiny Hillary fanbois and girls are to be believed.

People are overly fixated on Jill Stein voters right now. It may have something to do with the fact that Justice Kennedy just retired, which will allow the Chief Cheeto to appoint another conservative Supreme Court Justice, definitively banking the Court on a hard right turn and bringing about the dawn of the Republic of Gilead (that’s a Handmaid’s Tale reference for you illiterate folk out there).

So obviously, if Trump hadn’t won the 2016 election, we wouldn’t be staring down the barrel of the Supreme Court potentially erasing the last 70+ years of Constitutional jurisprudence. Of course, this assumes that Senator McConnell won’t extend the courtesy of holding a confirmation vote after midterm elections, just as he held up the Merrick Garland nomination until Trump was elected. I’m not sure why people assume he wouldn’t maintain civility….hold on, I’m now remembering that he already done told us he’s going to ram the nomination through.

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So naturally, tolerant Hillary sycophants were in a tizzy all over Twitter and Facebook last night, yelling as loud as they could into the virtual void.

Examples:

Yikes. It’s true that if nobody voted for Jill Stein and instead voted for Hillary, it would have swung the election. Trump would not be President right now. But just as with a single bad flag in football that could have swung the outcome, there are a lot of other things that could have too.

People could contemplate the fact that oh, I don’t know. Hillary could have like, ran a campaign to win instead of running a hubris-fueled campaign to not lose. The DNC could have not fucked with their own primary in ways that pissed off a lot of Democratic voters. Perhaps nominating someone who’s the subject of a highly polarizing scandal – legitimate or not (it was a farcical kangaroo court/show trial) is not the best strategy to win an election. Perhaps Hillary could have had more than ZERO ground game in Michigan and actually tried to engage voters. Just some thoughts. That is to say, yes she would be a million times better than Trump as President. She should have been President. The point is that fixating a bunch of vitriol on the severely misguided Stein voters is a bit well…pointless.

Don’t even get me started on blaming all Bernie supporters for being ridiculous Bernie Bros or the 1% who went for Stein. The overwhelming majority of Bernie voters backed Hillary in the general election. There were a few nut jobs who were disproportionately vocal about switching to Stein. And if all the Bernie lovers just stayed home, Hillary would have had 20+% of the vote. So get out of here with that garbage.

Isn’t this 2018? And fools are still relitigating the 2016 election? Meanwhile, traditional, stodgy Democratic Party stalwarts are bemoaning the fact that highly progressive candidates in both New York and Nebraska won their Congressional primary, as if they expected all the progressive energy generated by Bernie two years ago would simply go away. As if real, working class people wouldn’t love universal health care, a living wage, greater equality, and a host of other things that would drastically improve their lives.

Anyway, Jill Stein was clearly the most powerful Democrat in 2016 by Democrats’ own twitter admissions. Sad!

Say, what’s Robert Mueller up to these days, anyway?

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Kim Jong Un Easily Defeats Donald Trump in Game 1 in Singapore

Game 1 of the Trump vs. Kim NBA Finals was last night in Singapore (NBA = Nuclear Batshit Alliance), and Kim Jong Un came away with a lopsided victory, with more meetings in the series to come…………maybe.

coinThe fact that Trump and Kim met at all on the date that was originally scheduled is more than surreal after the meeting was abruptly called off (and then on again) after a May lovers’ quarrel threatened to derail everything. But meet they did; and for those who like gawking at bad accidents as they slowly drive by, the Singapore summit did not disappoint. It also saved an opportunity for Trump to make some ice cream truck money by selling commemorative coins.

And boy, is there ever a lot to commemorate. Kim went from being a reclusive backwater dictator to being a reclusive backwater dictator who earned the praise of the President of the United States on an international stage. You think Trudeau, Merkel, and Macron want a piece of that action? You’re damn right they do. But they’re losers who don’t appreciate the art of the deal and don’t understand that you don’t negotiate with weak sauce such as “century-old alliances” or “objective facts”.

The summit started off spectacularly, with The Donald making a funny that was worthy of another top leader, paper products titan Michael Scott:

And it was all smooth sailing after that, as I imagine it went something like this, with George Costanza filling in for Trump and Newman standing in for Kim Jong Un:

 

George walks into Jerry’s apartment, trench coat open, hat in hand and a sly smile on his face.

Jerry: You look awfully pleased with yourself today. You finally get a positive answer from that girl you’ve been asking to go out with you for the last three weeks?

George: (smirking) You’d like to think that, wouldn’t you? But this is better.

Jerry: (sips coffee) Better? What could possibly be better than a nice young lady getting to spend time with the likes of you? Come oooon, out with it already.

George: Get this. I talked to Newman today. Down in Little Singapore.

Jerry: Aaaaaand?

George: We made a deal.

Jerry: Oh no. Don’t tell me…

George: Now hold on, let me explain.

Jerry: (condescending nod) Explain away.

George: Get this. He promised to stop doing nuclear stuff…

Jerry: OK.

George: …so I agreed to stop doing military exercises on his doorstep to prevent him from killing my lady friend.

Jerry: I gotta say George, I’m impressed. This really sounds promising. So what exactly did he say he’d do to make sure he doesn’t keep doing the nuclear stuff?

George, waffling: He…he made a promise.

Jerry: (swings fist and grits teeth) Newman!! He made a promise. Did he say anything else? Is there any way to verify he’s actually going to do this? Benchmarks? Inspections? This is Newman we’re talking about. Did he agree to do anything at all to allow you to verify this actually happens?! 

George: It’s fine. I declared victory. (sips water and sits down self-satisfied on Jerry’s couch)

Jerry: You declared victory. (stares in disbelief, shakes his head and smiles) Well – I’d hate to be your lady friend.

***Commercial Break***

So there you have it. Kim Jong Un won the game decisively, coming away with an end to joint U.S.-South Korea military exercises in exchange for a vague promise that amounts to basically nothing. But it was a win at the post-game press conference for both Trump and Kim after the game, with both declaring victory and nothing but effusive praise to go around.

For his part, Trump had this to say: “We both want to do something. We both are going to do something. And we have developed a very special bond,” also adding that “People are going to be very impressed. People are going to be very happy.”

People are going to be happy, indeed. A friendship between despots and the end of American military influence in Asia is always a heartwarming story. Well, to new super best friends Donald Trump and Kim Jong Un, anyway. Don’t get too jealous, Germany and Canada. Maybe think about leaving the no fun details at home and instead bring the golf clubs and friendship to the G7 next time.

 

What if Trump Talked NBA?

Everyone knows The Donald is a fan of the NFL, famously hanging out in Patriots owner Robert Kraft’s owner’s box while his hair blew around in the wind. It doesn’t seem like Trump likes the NBA all that much. But we do know 1) that President Obama was a big basketball fan, and 2) that President Trump’s favorite hobby is destroying Obama’s Presidential legacy. Keeping that in mind, have I ever spoken to President Trump? Fuck no. But this is what I imagine it might be like if I sat down to have a chat about the NBA with the leader of the free world.

Broken Record Benji: Good Afternoon, Mr. President.

The Donald: Good Afternoon, Benji. You know, I gotta say I’m pretty busy putting America first at the G7 right now, but I always welcome the chance to sit down with you and set the record straight about your bad ideas.

Broken Record Benji: Great, let’s start with…

The Donald: And prove that I know more about basketball than Obama. He liked basketball a lot, you know. A little too much if you ask me. Because he spent every day – and this is true – he spent every single day of his Presidency doing nothing but watching basketball and playing golf. That’s why it was such a failure of a Presidency.

Broken Record Benji: Legacy aside, because I’d like to stay away from politics and stick to basketball….

The Donald: Great idea, Benji. You’re full of bad ideas, but that’s actually a good one to be fair. And I am a fair President, by the way. Fairest President in history. Just look at how many people I’ve pardoned. But it’s great to stick to sports instead of politics because you see these guys in the NFL kneeling and disrespecting our flag. Disrespecting our military. And it’s a bad look. It’s a bad look for me, it’s a bad look for you, and it’s disrespectful to all of us. So I’d like to congratulate the NBA on sticking to basketball instead of politics. Do you see any NBA players kneeling during the anthem? That’s because…

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A Canadian Sasquatch Takes on American Politics

Broken Record Benji is friends with some Sasquatches in various places – Canada, the Pacific Northwest, Michigan’s Upper Peninsula, etc. He caught up with one of his Canadian ‘Squatch buddies who’s pretty into American politics and asked him to write a guest piece for SlipperyJimComey.com. He agreed, and this is the Sasquatch’s hot take. His name isn’t given because he doesn’t like the publicity (duh).

Y’all, America has a snowflake problem. And no, I’m not talking about that spoiled little brat, Kylo Ren. Nor is it the feminist nephew you felt like punching at your last family Thanksgiving. It’s not even snow accumulation due to a polar vortex, and it doesn’t mean global warming is fake news. As a matter of fact, the joke’s on you because I don’t even trifle with such bitch-ass pettiness when it comes to political power dynamics.

Though for the record, those Trump loving sycophants who couldn’t parse a multi-clause sentence if their life depended on it definitely get triggered pretty easily when you call them on their bullshit. So if anyone’s a snowflake, it’s them. Not that I’m overly concerned about ignorant lickspittles trolling the internet. Unfortunately, those bigoted F-star-star cunts are allowed to vote. But I digress.

No, no. The stakes are much higher than some fucktard posting a Pepe the Frog meme. I don’t give a shit about who “snowflake’d” whom on the internet. Shit’s gettin’ real, ya know what I mean?

You got Herr Drumpf separating immigrant children from their families, which makes America look like our white trash neighbors to the south, and it really decreases Canada’s property value. You got the Cheeto in Chief placing tariffs on Canadian commodities, which forced Prime Minister Trudeau to pimp slap the President and remind him who runs North America. And you got America’s Congress robbing the working classes to give to the rich.

Donny Twitter is bad at a lot of things, but he knows how to throw his weight around and take every inch of influence he’s given through passivity. Democratic leadership needs to stop being as soft and silent as a delightful snowflake floating delicately and deliciously onto my outstretched tongue in the middle of the Yukon Territory.

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Catching Up With Robert E. Lee

I was walking back to the DC office today, contemplating fake news and time travel. I was about to peep the President’s latest tweets when suddenly, somebody spit chew at my feet and asked “Yer one of them fake news reporters with a liberal agenda, ain’tcha?”. I was about to respond “Well, actually…” when I looked up and there he was: General Robert E. Lee. When he belted out “Whatchu lookin’ at, snowflake? Quit yer cuckin’ & get on with it,” I knew I had no time to beat around the bush. I invited him for some conversation and whiskey. This is that conversation.

Wow, General Lee, thanks for taking the time to sit down with me today.

23711356-455E-442F-969E-5C5E251F5846 Likewise. I can tolerate the company of a man who appreciates a good whiskey. Even if you are a snowflake. And even if it is an Irish instead of a nice southern bourbon or Tennessee sour mash.

Oh, I love me some good bourbon. You can believe that. At least it’s not that weak Canadian shit.

23711356-455E-442F-969E-5C5E251F5846 Hoooooo boy, you got that right! *clink*

Damn straight. So tell me, General, how’s it going these days? What’s it like for you to experience all the 21st century has to offer?

23711356-455E-442F-969E-5C5E251F5846 Well, it’s been an adjustment, to be honest. But things are looking better and better.

How so?

23711356-455E-442F-969E-5C5E251F5846Well, some of my statues have been destroyed, and I was at the DMV the other day tryin’ to get my horsepower machine license or whatever you call it. I waited in line for more than 2 hours. I said ma’am do you know who I am? And she just didn’t get it. Asked if I was a part-time Santa Claus or somethin’. And I had one eye half-open when she took mah picture. I looked like a goddamn pirate. But other’n that, things are good. Things are good. Take technology for instance. I binge watch all the Civil War stuff on Netflix even if they don’t get it half right and I can’t remember my password half the time. And I constantly get called a Russian bot on Twitter, whatever that means. But I got retweeted five times by the President. So I guess you could say things are lookin’ up fer me.

Continue reading “Catching Up With Robert E. Lee”