United States Arranges for Return of Statue of Liberty to France

Back in the late 1800s some dude in France decided that America was worthy of a gift of Liberty to enlighten the World. Those arriving in the United States looked to the Statue and held a belief that they could prove their worth in America, or, otherwise, escape the perils of the Country they were coming from.

“Today, the Statue of Liberty is returning to France, ok. We are going to break it down, put it in boxes, and tell them to take it back,” President Trump said in a tweet, intermingling fluidly the announcement on the Statue with his tweets enraged about Harley Davidson. “And, France is going to pay for the shipping costs, believe me.”

Many in America were taken aback at the announcement. Sure, people thought, America at the moment does not embody the ideals of the Statue, but, it seems like kind of an arduous ordeal to remove the entire Statue. Stephen Miller addressed this in a memo on the policy choice:

Many people from the World around look at Lady Liberty in a way that disgusts me. They think of the Statue as a sign of Hope. That America is a place that will be accepting, tolerant. Tell me, why would we want the poor? We work hard as a country to already establish that many of our people are poor. The tired? The huddled masses? The masses are tired and huddled for a reason. Because they are not winners, as Mr. Trump would say. Send us homeless? How dare you.

Today, we say no more.

The decision comes on the same day that the Supreme Court upheld the Muslim Travel Ban instituted in 2017 by Donald Trump and on the heels of Trump’s proclamation of giving zero fucks about due process as it relates to those seeking Asylum in America.

Sarah Huckabee Sanders was not available for comment as she was fielding phone calls from Irish and Italian Restaurants canceling reservations she may or may not have set. But, fortunately, the President does not stop ranting and had more comments:

“Believe me, did we need this thing? Have you been to it? It’s ugly. If we are going to have a Lady welcome people to New York, believe me, she needs to be gorgeous, ok. And this Statue?”

“woof woof” chimed in former Trump Campaign Manager Corey Lewandowski.

“So, now, we get rid of this eyesore and the people know they can’t come here anymore, ok. you come here and you’re back on the boat, believe me. but, the boats you go home in will be massive, gorgeous beautiful yachts. not those little boats you see people coming up from cuba in, ok. And, France will pay for that, too.”

Advertisements

Donald J. Trump Wins Second Nobel Peace Prize (BACK TO BACK) for Solving Immigration Hostage Crisis of his Own Creation.

Previously on: Donald J. Trump wins a Nobel Peace Prize, our fearless leader single-handledly allowed for every American to finally sleep safe and not in fear of North Korea launching a nuclear weapon that would fizzle out in the Pacific Ocean. 

What a day for peace, folks. Let’s catch you up to speed. Previously, Donald J. Trump had taken multiple policy steps which led to a situation at the border where authorities were separating children from their families. This was a move that could only be envied by the Devil himself, as Trump quickly made it clear that the children were taken as hostages in his on-going effort to get “comprehensive” immigration reform. Also known as: “a fucking wall”.

My man Donnie was a straight up menace. With zero remorse. This is Zero Tolerance, folks. His man Stephen Miller was hype. “Dream come true,” he likely thought to himself as he listened to the horrifying Pro Publica recording. You had Trump’s right hand for a few minutes until he proved too much of an idiot, Corey Lewandowski, out there dropping laugh tracks at the mention of a 10-year-old with down syndrome being placed in a Cage. Although, Michael Cohen, surprisingly, draws the line at Baby Jails, citing the policy in his resignation from some kind of RNC position.

And, yet, pretty much everyone in Society asked one simple question over and over: Why the fuck would we possibly do this?

Someone had to step up and end this. To which, Donald thought, why not go Back-to-Back.  Today, he secured another Nobel Peace Prize.

“We’re going to have strong, very strong borders but we are going to keep the families together,” Mr. Trump said as he signed the order at the Resolute Desk in the Oval Office. “I didn’t like the sight or the feeling of families being separated.”

The order said that officials will continue to criminally prosecute everyone who crosses the border illegally, but will seek to find or build facilities that can hold families — parents and children together — instead of separating them while their legal cases are considered by the courts.

Source: New York Times

Have you seen hostage negotiations like this before? Maybe from Denzel in Inside Man. But, no, Trump took a long look at the man in the mirror and while he didn’t say, “that man is a monster why would he do this” and instead inexplicably thought, “believe me I can be the conquering hero” he at least went out and ended this bullshit.

So, Congratulations to Donald J. Trump. He engineered a situation in which children would be shockingly removed from their parents, only to step up and declare an end* to the Hostage Crisis before blowing up the building.

Trump got the drink in him going baaaaack to back.

*end is relative. This executive order is more than likely another lie.

Kim Jong Un Easily Defeats Donald Trump in Game 1 in Singapore

Game 1 of the Trump vs. Kim NBA Finals was last night in Singapore (NBA = Nuclear Batshit Alliance), and Kim Jong Un came away with a lopsided victory, with more meetings in the series to come…………maybe.

coinThe fact that Trump and Kim met at all on the date that was originally scheduled is more than surreal after the meeting was abruptly called off (and then on again) after a May lovers’ quarrel threatened to derail everything. But meet they did; and for those who like gawking at bad accidents as they slowly drive by, the Singapore summit did not disappoint. It also saved an opportunity for Trump to make some ice cream truck money by selling commemorative coins.

And boy, is there ever a lot to commemorate. Kim went from being a reclusive backwater dictator to being a reclusive backwater dictator who earned the praise of the President of the United States on an international stage. You think Trudeau, Merkel, and Macron want a piece of that action? You’re damn right they do. But they’re losers who don’t appreciate the art of the deal and don’t understand that you don’t negotiate with weak sauce such as “century-old alliances” or “objective facts”.

The summit started off spectacularly, with The Donald making a funny that was worthy of another top leader, paper products titan Michael Scott:

And it was all smooth sailing after that, as I imagine it went something like this, with George Costanza filling in for Trump and Newman standing in for Kim Jong Un:

 

George walks into Jerry’s apartment, trench coat open, hat in hand and a sly smile on his face.

Jerry: You look awfully pleased with yourself today. You finally get a positive answer from that girl you’ve been asking to go out with you for the last three weeks?

George: (smirking) You’d like to think that, wouldn’t you? But this is better.

Jerry: (sips coffee) Better? What could possibly be better than a nice young lady getting to spend time with the likes of you? Come oooon, out with it already.

George: Get this. I talked to Newman today. Down in Little Singapore.

Jerry: Aaaaaand?

George: We made a deal.

Jerry: Oh no. Don’t tell me…

George: Now hold on, let me explain.

Jerry: (condescending nod) Explain away.

George: Get this. He promised to stop doing nuclear stuff…

Jerry: OK.

George: …so I agreed to stop doing military exercises on his doorstep to prevent him from killing my lady friend.

Jerry: I gotta say George, I’m impressed. This really sounds promising. So what exactly did he say he’d do to make sure he doesn’t keep doing the nuclear stuff?

George, waffling: He…he made a promise.

Jerry: (swings fist and grits teeth) Newman!! He made a promise. Did he say anything else? Is there any way to verify he’s actually going to do this? Benchmarks? Inspections? This is Newman we’re talking about. Did he agree to do anything at all to allow you to verify this actually happens?! 

George: It’s fine. I declared victory. (sips water and sits down self-satisfied on Jerry’s couch)

Jerry: You declared victory. (stares in disbelief, shakes his head and smiles) Well – I’d hate to be your lady friend.

***Commercial Break***

So there you have it. Kim Jong Un won the game decisively, coming away with an end to joint U.S.-South Korea military exercises in exchange for a vague promise that amounts to basically nothing. But it was a win at the post-game press conference for both Trump and Kim after the game, with both declaring victory and nothing but effusive praise to go around.

For his part, Trump had this to say: “We both want to do something. We both are going to do something. And we have developed a very special bond,” also adding that “People are going to be very impressed. People are going to be very happy.”

People are going to be happy, indeed. A friendship between despots and the end of American military influence in Asia is always a heartwarming story. Well, to new super best friends Donald Trump and Kim Jong Un, anyway. Don’t get too jealous, Germany and Canada. Maybe think about leaving the no fun details at home and instead bring the golf clubs and friendship to the G7 next time.

 

What if Trump Talked NBA?

Everyone knows The Donald is a fan of the NFL, famously hanging out in Patriots owner Robert Kraft’s owner’s box while his hair blew around in the wind. It doesn’t seem like Trump likes the NBA all that much. But we do know 1) that President Obama was a big basketball fan, and 2) that President Trump’s favorite hobby is destroying Obama’s Presidential legacy. Keeping that in mind, have I ever spoken to President Trump? Fuck no. But this is what I imagine it might be like if I sat down to have a chat about the NBA with the leader of the free world.

Broken Record Benji: Good Afternoon, Mr. President.

The Donald: Good Afternoon, Benji. You know, I gotta say I’m pretty busy putting America first at the G7 right now, but I always welcome the chance to sit down with you and set the record straight about your bad ideas.

Broken Record Benji: Great, let’s start with…

The Donald: And prove that I know more about basketball than Obama. He liked basketball a lot, you know. A little too much if you ask me. Because he spent every day – and this is true – he spent every single day of his Presidency doing nothing but watching basketball and playing golf. That’s why it was such a failure of a Presidency.

Broken Record Benji: Legacy aside, because I’d like to stay away from politics and stick to basketball….

The Donald: Great idea, Benji. You’re full of bad ideas, but that’s actually a good one to be fair. And I am a fair President, by the way. Fairest President in history. Just look at how many people I’ve pardoned. But it’s great to stick to sports instead of politics because you see these guys in the NFL kneeling and disrespecting our flag. Disrespecting our military. And it’s a bad look. It’s a bad look for me, it’s a bad look for you, and it’s disrespectful to all of us. So I’d like to congratulate the NBA on sticking to basketball instead of politics. Do you see any NBA players kneeling during the anthem? That’s because…

Continue reading “What if Trump Talked NBA?”

Some Dude at National Review Wrote Over 1500 Words About His Lack of Understanding of a Guilty Plea

Dearly beloved, we are gathered here today to honor the memory of our friend Spy-Gate. In his 2 weeks of life, many often confused him with the other Spy-Gate, the Spy-Gate that still turns the stomach of New Englanders, and is ever eternal. No, the Spy-Gate we celebrate today, who died too young, and yet lived for too long, was the tale of a confidential informant placed in the Trump campaign by the FBI because of the campaigns love of associating with dudes with shady pasts. Spy-Gate was too pure for this world. Spy-Gate brought about envy from even the craziest of crazy, Trey Gowdy. And, when Benghazi-Trey declared there was nothing to Spy-Gate, well, it is time for Conservatives to bury Spy-Gate, for there are more and more terrible thoughts to be had to move the ball further away from the truth.

And, Andrew C. McCarthy of the National Review will take up the mantle.

He begins:

Congress should be taking a very hard look at the prosecution of George Papadopoulos. To these eyes, the harder one looks, the more the Papadopoulos case appears to be much ado about nothing. That is no small thing: The “much ado” here is a purported Trump–Russia conspiracy to subvert a presidential election.

And, with that, McCarthy leads us away from one conspiracy and into the smoldering remains of last fall’s moment in the sun for one George Papadopolous, eager to find a new conspiracy among the ashes.

What he has found, instead, was 1500+ words on his inability to understand the nature of a Guilty Plea.

There has always been something fishy about the charge filed by Special Counsel Robert Mueller against Papadopoulos, who was a green-as-grass 28-year-old when he made the big primary-season move from Ben Carson–campaign novice to Trump-campaign novice.

Here’s a spoiler alert on the Trump campaign: they used a lot of “green-as-grass” types including the “green-as-grass-yet-orange-as-a-kumquat” Presidential candidate they worked for. But, I am sure Mr. McCarthy will elucidate that something fishy…

Peruse the “Statement of the Offense,” filed by Mueller’s lead prosecutor on the case, Jeannie S. Rhee (who is fresh from a stint representing the Clinton Foundation — and donating $5,400 to the Hillary Clinton campaign). You find that there is collusion with Russia pouring off every one of the document’s 13 pages — meetings with shadowy figures portrayed as Kremlin operatives, apparent schemes to undermine Mrs. Clinton, ambitious plans for pow-wows between candidate Trump and strongman Putin.

Interesting, so, the something fishy found here by Mr. McCarthy is that George Papadopolous was charged by a probe investigating Russian involvement and he believes that collusion with Russia poured off the pages? Hmmm, very fishy indeed. It’s almost as if the Statement of Offense is attempting to create a narrative surrounding their underlying investigation. Some consider that the purpose of a Statement of Offense. The defense, of course, has an opportunity to counter that. McCarthy, on the other hand, is at a loss for the meaning of anything at all.

Continue reading “Some Dude at National Review Wrote Over 1500 Words About His Lack of Understanding of a Guilty Plea”

A Canadian Sasquatch Takes on American Politics

Broken Record Benji is friends with some Sasquatches in various places – Canada, the Pacific Northwest, Michigan’s Upper Peninsula, etc. He caught up with one of his Canadian ‘Squatch buddies who’s pretty into American politics and asked him to write a guest piece for SlipperyJimComey.com. He agreed, and this is the Sasquatch’s hot take. His name isn’t given because he doesn’t like the publicity (duh).

Y’all, America has a snowflake problem. And no, I’m not talking about that spoiled little brat, Kylo Ren. Nor is it the feminist nephew you felt like punching at your last family Thanksgiving. It’s not even snow accumulation due to a polar vortex, and it doesn’t mean global warming is fake news. As a matter of fact, the joke’s on you because I don’t even trifle with such bitch-ass pettiness when it comes to political power dynamics.

Though for the record, those Trump loving sycophants who couldn’t parse a multi-clause sentence if their life depended on it definitely get triggered pretty easily when you call them on their bullshit. So if anyone’s a snowflake, it’s them. Not that I’m overly concerned about ignorant lickspittles trolling the internet. Unfortunately, those bigoted F-star-star cunts are allowed to vote. But I digress.

No, no. The stakes are much higher than some fucktard posting a Pepe the Frog meme. I don’t give a shit about who “snowflake’d” whom on the internet. Shit’s gettin’ real, ya know what I mean?

You got Herr Drumpf separating immigrant children from their families, which makes America look like our white trash neighbors to the south, and it really decreases Canada’s property value. You got the Cheeto in Chief placing tariffs on Canadian commodities, which forced Prime Minister Trudeau to pimp slap the President and remind him who runs North America. And you got America’s Congress robbing the working classes to give to the rich.

Donny Twitter is bad at a lot of things, but he knows how to throw his weight around and take every inch of influence he’s given through passivity. Democratic leadership needs to stop being as soft and silent as a delightful snowflake floating delicately and deliciously onto my outstretched tongue in the middle of the Yukon Territory.

Continue reading “A Canadian Sasquatch Takes on American Politics”

Kim Jong-Un Is Bold. And, I like It.

Currently, the White House is working at salvaging a Summit between Trump and North Korea that Trump originally cancelled because he wanted to pout. The Summit may or may not be back on, but, this is a genuine headline from NBC News:

CIA report says North Korea won’t denuclearize, but might open a burger joint

Source: NBC News

So, basically, this Summit will just be Trump sitting with Kim…Trump will open by asking for denuclearization, and Kim will say, “No, I want a McDonald’s” and Trump will sit there like “believe me, that would be great. But, how about a Wahlburgers?” And, Kim would say no. And, Trump would agree to the McDonald’s instead of denuclearization. The Art of the Deal, folks.

Then, a week later, everyone would be like, “hey, what kind of deal is this?”

And, Trump would rage out on Twitter about how everyone thinks he is an awful deal-maker. But, really he made the ***BEST*** deal because he also got North Korea to take a Wendy’s. And, Kim would go along with it, because, secretly, he wanted a Wendy’s all along, BUT, Trump’s entire dealmaking playbook is “reject their first deal even if it’s the best deal, believe me.”

CAN YOU HANDLE ALL OF THIS WINNING?!